Our weekend was ok – Saturday we went down to Bloomington and went to Oliver Winery with my brother and his girlfriend. Then we spent some time with Jason’s parents, and then went to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. Sunday I stayed in bed all day, crying mostly.
It's like I have 2 very distinct parts of me right now. Yes, we’re excited about adopting, but I get overwhelmed with feelings of grief when I think about not being pregnant. I know that’s not the most important part. I know that. But the thought of not getting to experience it, not getting to know that joy that there is a life growing inside me, not feeling the baby kick, not having a baby that looks like us – it kills me. And it’s not just me – Jason is going to miss out on those things too. I know he was looking forward to putting his hands on my belly to feel a baby, and talking to the baby, and taking care of us.
I know that adoption is right for us because deep down, for both of us, the worst part would be not having a child at all. But I can’t tell you how defeated I feel right now that we aren’t going to be the ones to create that child. And then I feel guilty for being upset – like if I’m upset about it then maybe we’re not ready to adopt. So anyways, that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve sort of been avoiding talking to people mostly because I think I make everyone uncomfortable and it’s not like anyone can really say anything to make it better.
Truly, we are excited about the path we're about to go down. We should be getting our packet from the agency in the mail sometime this week and I'm excited to get started on it.
It's just dealing with the other part that sucks.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Our journey will be going down a different path
We found out on Wednesday (and confirmed on Friday) that I'm not pregnant. While a portion of me is sad/bitter/devastated, another part is beyond excited for the road we'll be going down.
Still, we'll need some time to deal with this blow. I'll update more later.
Still, we'll need some time to deal with this blow. I'll update more later.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
This 2ww is going to suck
I'm back to work today after laying in bed for 41 hours straight (minus the 7 short bathroom trips.) My head hurts, I'm tired, and I'm irritable. You'd think that I'd feel refreshed after "relaxing" the past two days. I just feel like I should still be at home, giving the little embryos the best chance at snuggling in. It just sucks to be back in the real world.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Bedrest pictures
All set up with food, drinks, dvds, books, magazines, laptop, etc ... all ready to go!
Me and the kitties (Ignore the no shower look - I spent 41 hours in bed!)
Our little embryos (circled in red) and my huge bladder
Me and the kitties (Ignore the no shower look - I spent 41 hours in bed!)
Our little embryos (circled in red) and my huge bladder
Monday, March 23, 2009
2 little embryos have been transferred
After a stressful week of possibly canceling and having to keep increasing estrogen, we finally decided at 1pm yesterday to go forward with the transfer this morning. That led to a whole new stress, and honestly, I was a complete wreck this morning. Didn't sleep, threw up a few times, etc. And then the valium kicked in and I was happy again. :)
I was convinced that we'd get there and neither would have survived the thaw. I was wrong! We transferred in an expanding blast, and then a morula (also good, just not quite a blast yet.) Morula means mulberry in latin, which I liked for some reason.
The worst part of the whole thing was the urge to pee! I didn't have quite a full enough bladder last time so they had me start drinking water earlier today. I thought I was going to pee in the middle of it! Then they used a catheter to drain the bladder afterwards and that was such a wierd feeling. I didn't feel like I was peeing, yet the full bladder feeling was going away. Very odd!
So anyways, now I'm on bedrest with books, dvds, movies, snacks, drinks, and my laptop surrounding me. And we wait for 2 weeks!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Update
After a short hiatus, Jason and I are sort of back at it all. We had a second opinion appt with Dr. M and while we really liked him, he didn't have any "ah hah!" revelations that would cause us to switch to him. We're nearing the end of our TTC road anyways, so we decided to just finish with Dr. S. I started shots this week for our FET cycle and we'll (hopefully!) be transferring our two little frozen embryos on March 23.
Also, and I'm so excited about this, we have decided to pursue adoption! In fact, this FET cycle is almost more of a "let's just get this over with" sort of feeling, which is bizarre. Obviously I'll be thrilled if it works and we don't go down this path, but we are at peace with our decision about adoption and I'm looking forward to getting started (and scared to death!) We're actually going ahead and meeting with one agency on March 8th and another on March 18th.
The big turning point for me was Christmas Eve. We were at mass and a little boy (4 maybe?) sang a solo in Silent Night. His dad was sitting in front of me videotaping and it just became too much for me. Finally, being pregnant wasn't as important - having the family, videotaping our kids at a Christmas program (even as silly as that sounds), etc - is what we want. Obviously I'm going to miss the experience of being pregnant and that makes me sad, but once we bring that baby home, that part isn't going to matter anymore.
So anyways, that's what's going on with us! I'm not going to say that I'm always calm and happy about it all - and I know that this road will be just as difficult (if not more) but I'm happier than I have been in awhile, so that's nice.
In non TTC news - I got a sewing machine for my birthday! I've never really sewn much in my adult life (except for a hooded baby towel I made for a friend a few months ago) and have become obsessed now! I'm still learning, but I love it!
So that's it from me! :)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
2nd opinion appt
Long time, no blog! You may notice that suddenly tonight there are posts in the last month that weren't there before. I've been typing them, but just haven't felt much like posting. Not sure why really, just wanted time to myself.
Anyways, I know some people were wanting to know how my 2nd opinion appt with Dr. M went today, so here is a copy of an email I sent to some.
Also the 4G4G thing I mention is a blood clotting genetic thing that we got back in some lab results last week.
The appointment went really well - we really really like Dr. Moghadam. He really took the time to meet with us (1 ½ hours), got to know us, went through our chart, showed us nifty diagrams on his laptop, made sure we really understood things, etc. It put him in a tiny rough position, just because until we met he hadn’t seen the history. When we sat down he said that we had the thickest “new patient” chart that he’d seen. :) There were definite things that Dr. S did that he didn’t really agree with, or thought was pointless. He doesn’t particularly care for the use of Repronex – says it’s “old school.” He also isn’t a fan of the European drugs. Now a lot of that was because Dr. S was trying to save us money, which we appreciate.
I really appreciated that he acknowledged (more than once) that we’ve been through a lot – we’re “pros” at it – we’ve “been through the ringer.” He knows that we’re not newbies at this and that starting at the beginning is not an option. Also, because of all that we’ve done, he knows that we’re not ready for more IVF. He thinks that waiting on the FET is a good idea too.
I think that he was honest with us. He said that while he would change the protocol and use different drugs, as far as egg count goes, he probably wouldn’t get a different response. I am what I am. He agreed that I’m a mystery. He does think that my egg quality is good, which is nice. My FSH was good and while the lab we used is really good – they can only use what we give them to work with. He was very pleased that we had 4 make it to blast. He did an antral follicle count (tiny follicles at the beginning of the cycle) and I had 12 total. That’s low. It means that for whatever reason I just don’t have the quantity of other people. So where’s the breakdown? He’s not sure. He ordered some more b/w (things I’ve had done before – but in Aug of 2007.) We’re too late into this cycle to do anything so it’s another break one (which is what we wanted anyways.)
He would like to try a combo of Femera (pill, like Clomid, that I’ve been on before) and Follistim (an injectable.) The Femera would be taken on CD3-7, and the Follistim on 6-10. I’ll have a baseline u/s and then go in around CD11 or 12 to see what’s going on. We can try on our own or an IUI. He sees a lot of success with this protocol. It’s not that it may develop more eggs, it just may all happen in a different way. If this doesn’t work, then he most likely wants to do a laproscopy. He said he’ll get insurance to cover it – I’m almost thinking I may call back and talk to him about doing the lap first. I can understand where he’s coming from though – he’d like to see for himself how I respond, what’s going on before he does more tests and digs in deeper.
He’s willing to code things like Dr. S – painful periods/whatever – so that insurance will cover what it can. I don’t think he’ll do it to the extent of Dr. S, but hopefully enough that we can actually go to him.
He’s not sure that he sees a huge reason for me to stay on metformin. He’s checking fasting glucose/etc levels but then might take me off of it. I’m not sure how I feel about that and really, he said he’ll leave it up to me. I guess I feel like maybe I should meet with an endocrinologist?
On the 4G4G gene thing, he doesn’t think it’s relevant in TTC, other than I need to take a baby aspirin daily. He does think that I may have to take daily shots (heparin?) whenever I DO get pregnant, so it’s at least good to know. I may make an appt with a hematologist anyways since the lab results recommended it and I’d feel better.
So I think that we will give him a try. He was so nice and knowledgeable and I feel like he’s more with the new stuff than Dr. S is. After we left though I got more and more depressed. He DID give us hope, but I’m still so frustrated that no one can give us what we want. Answers. I want to know what’s wrong, I want to know how to fix it, etc. It’s not his fault, I just don’t think anyone can tell us. So anyways, that’s my update!
Anyways, I know some people were wanting to know how my 2nd opinion appt with Dr. M went today, so here is a copy of an email I sent to some.
Also the 4G4G thing I mention is a blood clotting genetic thing that we got back in some lab results last week.
The appointment went really well - we really really like Dr. Moghadam. He really took the time to meet with us (1 ½ hours), got to know us, went through our chart, showed us nifty diagrams on his laptop, made sure we really understood things, etc. It put him in a tiny rough position, just because until we met he hadn’t seen the history. When we sat down he said that we had the thickest “new patient” chart that he’d seen. :) There were definite things that Dr. S did that he didn’t really agree with, or thought was pointless. He doesn’t particularly care for the use of Repronex – says it’s “old school.” He also isn’t a fan of the European drugs. Now a lot of that was because Dr. S was trying to save us money, which we appreciate.
I really appreciated that he acknowledged (more than once) that we’ve been through a lot – we’re “pros” at it – we’ve “been through the ringer.” He knows that we’re not newbies at this and that starting at the beginning is not an option. Also, because of all that we’ve done, he knows that we’re not ready for more IVF. He thinks that waiting on the FET is a good idea too.
I think that he was honest with us. He said that while he would change the protocol and use different drugs, as far as egg count goes, he probably wouldn’t get a different response. I am what I am. He agreed that I’m a mystery. He does think that my egg quality is good, which is nice. My FSH was good and while the lab we used is really good – they can only use what we give them to work with. He was very pleased that we had 4 make it to blast. He did an antral follicle count (tiny follicles at the beginning of the cycle) and I had 12 total. That’s low. It means that for whatever reason I just don’t have the quantity of other people. So where’s the breakdown? He’s not sure. He ordered some more b/w (things I’ve had done before – but in Aug of 2007.) We’re too late into this cycle to do anything so it’s another break one (which is what we wanted anyways.)
He would like to try a combo of Femera (pill, like Clomid, that I’ve been on before) and Follistim (an injectable.) The Femera would be taken on CD3-7, and the Follistim on 6-10. I’ll have a baseline u/s and then go in around CD11 or 12 to see what’s going on. We can try on our own or an IUI. He sees a lot of success with this protocol. It’s not that it may develop more eggs, it just may all happen in a different way. If this doesn’t work, then he most likely wants to do a laproscopy. He said he’ll get insurance to cover it – I’m almost thinking I may call back and talk to him about doing the lap first. I can understand where he’s coming from though – he’d like to see for himself how I respond, what’s going on before he does more tests and digs in deeper.
He’s willing to code things like Dr. S – painful periods/whatever – so that insurance will cover what it can. I don’t think he’ll do it to the extent of Dr. S, but hopefully enough that we can actually go to him.
He’s not sure that he sees a huge reason for me to stay on metformin. He’s checking fasting glucose/etc levels but then might take me off of it. I’m not sure how I feel about that and really, he said he’ll leave it up to me. I guess I feel like maybe I should meet with an endocrinologist?
On the 4G4G gene thing, he doesn’t think it’s relevant in TTC, other than I need to take a baby aspirin daily. He does think that I may have to take daily shots (heparin?) whenever I DO get pregnant, so it’s at least good to know. I may make an appt with a hematologist anyways since the lab results recommended it and I’d feel better.
So I think that we will give him a try. He was so nice and knowledgeable and I feel like he’s more with the new stuff than Dr. S is. After we left though I got more and more depressed. He DID give us hope, but I’m still so frustrated that no one can give us what we want. Answers. I want to know what’s wrong, I want to know how to fix it, etc. It’s not his fault, I just don’t think anyone can tell us. So anyways, that’s my update!
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