I give up

I was so excited this morning because I seemed to be responding better to the meds. WRONG. They just called with my E2 numbers and were lower than expected, so my next appt got moved from tomorrow to Wednesday. Last cycle on CD8 (with smaller follicles mind you) my E2 was 112. Today = 77. Ugh. I still don't totally understand what E2 means and what it does, but in my mind, with larger follicles than last cycle, it should be higher, not lower. Sigh. I'm writing up a list of questions to try to understand it more, to ask when I go back on Wednesday.

CD8 u/s

Just had my u/s. Like last month – 4 in the right and 3 in the left. They are bigger than they were on CD8 of last month though, so the increased meds are working.
15.2
11.9
9.4
5.7

In my left I have
12.2
9.7
8.5

So my three highest are 15.2, 12.2, and 11.9. Last month at this point they were 11.7, 10.5, and 9.9.

Since I already have a 15, I’m probably going back in tomorrow for another u/s. We’re waiting to get my estradiol levels back this afternoon before making any big decisions. I’m a bit nervous, having three at 12 or over already, but I know that they’re watching me and are cautious so I’m going to trust them.

Oh, and my lining was just over 6, which is good for today.

Funny IF related joke

There was an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) who decided he no longer wanted to practice. Instead he wanted to restore old cars.

To prepare himself for this career change, he signed up for a mechanics course in engine repair.

He studied really hard, and the day arrived for the final exam. The task was to find out what was wrong with the engine and repair it.

The RE took a little longer than the rest of the class, but he got the job done. A couple of days later he went to see how he did.

Up on the wall, beside his name he saw a mark of 150%. He was really puzzled so he went to the instructor. "How can this be?" he asked.

The instructor replied, "Well, I gave you 50 points for figuring out the problem, and 50 points more for solving the problem.

BUT I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing all the work through the exhaust pipe!"

Whew!

Meds from London just arrived! I had enough to get me through last night, but if they weren't here I was going to have to buy 3 vials/day until they got here at Dr. Aziz Pharmacy. I paid only $13.65/vial for the London ones - if I bought them in town it would have been $51/vial. (Which is what it will be next cycle if I'm not PG on these.) So after shipping I got 30 vials for just under $500. For each day that I'd have to buy them in town it would cost me an additional $150. So thank goodness they got here!!!

Strong?

It's hard for me to understand what people see when they think about Jason and I. Just in the last two weeks I've been told that I'm strong, that I've always been strong, that it's obvious that Jason & I will make great parents, that it's obvious we've grown closer together, that I've kept up a sense of humor during all of this etc. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE hearing things like that, it makes me feel good. It's just wierd to me, because I don't feel strong at all. I cry so much and get so discouraged. I struggle with if I'm allowed to be depressed about it all - it's not like anyone has told us that we CAN'T have kids, and other people have been trying longer, and maybe people think I'm just an impatient person and roll their eyes as if I'm being too dramatic. I have a hard time staying positive as we're coming up on the end of what we can afford to do. I also don't feel like I'm a funny person. I just think I get more and more sarcastic as this goes on. So I just have a hard time seeing it.

**On a side note - I may start to use this as more of a journal from time to time, not just to update you on how things are going. I realized that this blog will be pretty neat to print out one day and have to look back on and see how I felt during all of this. So I'm not necessarily fishing for sympathetic words, but just need to "talk."

Touched

So my mom made me cry last night. I was talking to her about how I'm worried about the drugs getting here (I had enough to get through tomorrow) in time. She said that she'd add it to her prayers when she said her rosary last night. So for those that don't really know my mom, she's never been an overly religious person - and we've all sort of fallen away from the church since my dad died. Well, apparently starting at the beginning of Lent, my mom has said the rosary and prayed for Jason and I every night. She said that she's going to do that until we're actually holding our baby. Not just when we get pregnant, but every night until we're holding our baby. And of course I cried.

It also made me realize something that I'm almost embarassed to admit. Besides my mom, there are other people who have said that they're praying for me. We aren't really praying for ourselves though. Sure, I think to myself "oh please please let me be PG", but sitting down and praying is something that I struggle with.

It's so hard

I love finding songs that explain how I feel. It's sort of like having a soundtrack to your life, and later when you hear that song you are brought back to that place and time. The two songs that I'm sure will always remind me of this IF crap are "I would die for that" (mentioned in prior posts) and "It's so hard" by the Dixie Chicks. I just recently stumbled upon that song and it's my new favorite.

You can hear it on youtube: It's So Hard

My favorite parts are the second verse and the chorus:
It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard