Terrified

I feel like I’ve been relatively calm/relaxed/optimistic/excited about our upcoming IVF, but it hit me last night how terrified I really am. I’m not so much scared or worried about the process – I’ve read up on it enough and been through similar parts of it, to know what to expect. I have a great support system and know I’ll make it through it. What I’m scared about is the after, the outcome. What if our eggs don’t fertilize? What if they do, but no embryos make it to transfer? What if they do, we put them back in, and I don’t get pregnant? What then? Unless we have some frozen embryos to use, this is it. Maybe we’ll end up at new jobs that have infertility coverage and we can try another time. Sure, maybe later down the road my body will change and by some miracle I’ll get pregnant on my own. I just have a hard time being optimistic about that, especially if one of the most invasive controlled procedures doesn’t get the job done.

So what will we do in the after? How will we handle that? How can we accept that we might not ever get the family we wanted? The rest of the world will be moving forward and we’ll be stuck in the same place. Sure, we’ll try to be that happy childless couple – do whatever we want, travel a lot, etc – but I think it will always feel like something is missing. So how will we get past that?

I know that I’ve talked about adoption before and how we were totally on board with it, and that may still be something we’ll look at later. Right now, with where I’m at, it’s not an option. You’re probably thinking that I change my mind so much on that, but as Anna once said – every time I make a decision or a plan, really, I’m just trying it on, seeing how I really feel about it. I have the right to change my mind if I don’t like how it feels. And right now, we want to have our own child.

And while I know it’s not the most important part, I won’t lie – I want to be pregnant. I want to know that a baby that Jason and I made is growing inside me. I want to experience that feeling when there is a positive pregnancy test – I want to see Jason’s face when it happens. I want to have fun announcements with it. I want the doctor’s appointments, the ultrasound to find the sex, I want to be fat. I want to feel our baby kick, I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to give birth to our child.

Sorry to be such a downer, and I’m sure I’ll get back to being optimistic, but it just hit me last night that I have no idea what we’re going to do if this doesn’t work. And like I said, it terrifies me.