This could be a depressing post

This is going to be such a hard 2 weeks. I actually feel like we have a chance, but on the other hand, the lining could be a major issue so I really don't want to get my hopes up. I'm having crazy hot flashes - they normally end right when I ovulate, but I'm still having 2-3/day. Then there is the nausea, which hasn't been pleasant. Oh, and I'm exhausted. The thing is, none of that means anything. They injected a lot of HCG in me (in the trigger shot) and that is the pregnancy hormone. I looked it up this evening and the amount that I got is the amount of HCG that you typically have at 2 months pregnant. No wonder I feel like crap! Not to mention it would be too early for me to be feeling any of this from actually being pregnant anyways.

I feel like I'm on such an emotional rollar coaster. I wake up feeling so optimistic and then by 9am I'm convinced it's not going to happen. Then by noon I feel optimistic again ...

I think what scares me the most is the threat of injectables. Based on the cost, Jason doesn't think we should do more than 1 or 2 cycles. I'm not ready to move onto that next month and it be one of our last cycles. So we've already made that decision that regardless of their suggestion we will not be doing that next cycle. I'm going to bring up some other things I've read about - maybe going on Femera instead of Clomid, which is supposed to not have as many side effects. Or stay on the Clomid and take estrogen to help.

As far as the injectables go, they're estimating $2000-3000 for each cycle. I would be on one called Repronex. I'll go in on day 3 of my cycle for a baseline ultrasound, bloodwork, and a class on the injections. Starting that night Jason or my mom would have to give me the injection, which would last until I trigger. I would go back in around day 8 for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. Then again on day 10 or so and again on day 12. The days will vary, depending on my follicle production and when they need to trigger me. If I were to end up with more than 3 mature follicles they would cancel the cycle and that money would be down the drain. 2-3 and we'd have to talk about it. That's why they monitor me so much - if they see a bunch growing at the same rate they would back down the drugs. So obviously the chance of multiples increases a bunch. If I only have 1 or 2 mature follicles, I'll trigger and then we'll have another IUI.

I just can't believe that we're even thinking about this - it seems a bit surreal. Part of me feels weird too because we're only in cycle 11. I guess that most people who go longer don't start to even be seen until 12 months - I was lucky enough to get in after 6 or 7 cycles. I do finally feel like it's ok to think that we do have a problem though. For awhile, even though I was starting treatments, I almost felt guilty for doing so. Some people try for a few years before even being seen, and here I was at 8 months on Clomid. We all know that I'm impatient though, and I really am so happy that we got checked out when we did.

Hopefully none of this matters and I'm PG this month. I just really want my life back - I feel like getting pregnant has taken over it. All I think about or read about is infertility stuff. I don't really know what to do with my time anymore. I know that once I get PG my life will be taken over by that, and even more so once we have a child, but at least it would be something happy that is taking it over. We just want to be parents so badly.