Stages

And for the 3rd post of the night ...

One day at a time - that's how we've gotten through this week. And it's gotten easier each day. It may sound like a bizarre thought, but it really is like a grieving process. In a way I almost feel bad comparing it, but on a different scale it's much of the same feelings as when my dad died. Really the whole infertility process has been like this, month after month. You get so hopeful that it will work, that you'll finally find out you're going to be a mom. And then each month that dream is taken away from you. You have to deal with that loss (because really, that's what it feels like each month) and pick yourself back up again. Then do it all over again the next month.

- Shock & Denial - both when I realized becoming a mom wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it would be, and this week when I realized our IVF didn't work and the little embryos didn't stick. The morning we found out, we both went back to sleep afterwards. I woke back up a few hours later and was convinced it must have been a bad dream and we just hadn't tested yet and it would be positive.

- Pain & Guilt - this was a big one for me this week. Pain obviously - Jason and I were both so heartbroken when we saw that negative. I don't even know how to explain - we want this so badly and it just seems there taunting us, barely out of reach. Will it ever work? Will we ever hold a baby that has my eyes and his nose?

On the guilt side - I keep wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. Those embryos were alive and doing well before we put them in. It was my body that wouldn't let them stick. It's my body that is the cause of all of this. It's my body that won't let Jason be a daddy, when he so desperately wants to be one and I know will be fantastic at it.

- Anger and Bargaining - through this whole process I've had times of anger and bitterness. Why me? Why are so many people able to get pregnant easily and I can't? Why, why, why? I get mad at Jason sometimes, for no reason, other than that I need someone to be mad at. I get mad at Dr. S and Kim because they can't fix it. I get mad at my mom and Jason's mom because they are so positive and SO sure it's going to happen. I get mad at God. Why on top of my dad dying do I have to deal with this? What did I do wrong?

For the bargaining, I've sort of done this all along and I think it goes along with the things I feel guilty about - if I make these changes for next time it might work - maybe if I go to church more, maybe if I keep the house cleaner, cook better dinners, work longer hours, etc.

- Depression - enough said. I'm so sad about it, how can I not feel depressed? Mostly this week I've wanted to keep to myself (or with just Jason), avoid all friends. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all hope, and don't even want to try the FET cycle (frozen embryo transfer.)

- Acceptance - one form of acceptance would be to accept living child free. We are completely not there, nor will we ever be. Another form is to accept we won't have our own biological child. It's a possibility that we'll have to gain that acceptance but not yet.

The acceptance that I'd say I'm struggling with now is to accept that this IS happening to me. I've been dealt these cards, I'm going down this path, whether we like it or not. Sometimes I read the quote at the top of the blog and think I'm to this stage. Other times I just want to ask "why, why, why" (see above) and realize that I'm not really there yet. Even if I was, because it's such a cyclical thing, I know I'll just go through it all again next month.

To end this rambling post, I found two quotes today that spoke to me:
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
"Fuck you infertility, I'll beat you. You watch!"