I threw away our sharps container last night and it was one of the best feelings. I really can’t tell you how relieved I feel. Regardless of the outcome, after the IUI tomorrow, it’s over for awhile. I didn’t realize how much I’d started to resent having to do all of this, and how tired/emotionally drained/frustrated I really was, until just the last few weeks. I think it’s good though – I’m not having to talk myself into taking a break – I actually WANT to. I’m obviously still going to be devastated if it doesn’t work this cycle, but am looking forward to some time off. I also have (probably unrealistic, but maybe not) hope that if it doesn’t work this cycle, maybe sometime in the extended break my body will decide to work on its own and we’ll get pregnant.
With that, I’ve decided to say goodbye to the blog for awhile. It’s been a great outlet for me and I appreciate all of the support/comments that you’ve left. It’s just time for us to take a step back and reclaim who we are. I’ve realized lately that I’ve become just an infertile woman, just a woman trying to have a baby. I am so much more than that, and it’s something that I need to remember. While in most ways going through this has made us stronger, it has also been tough on Jason and I.
So the plan is the IUI tomorrow, progesterone starting on Sunday, and then in a few weeks we’ll know. Regardless of the outcome we want some time to digest it and keep to ourselves. Either way, I promise not to leave everyone in the dark for too long. :)
If it’s not successful, we’ll be taking that break for an undetermined amount of time. I’ll stay on the metformin, and in theory after time it may actually correct my insulin/hormone issues and that may be all that it takes. I might chart/do OPKs/etc, or I might not. For once, I don’t have a set plan. (Not that my plans every actually stayed the same – I was constantly changing them.)
So again, thank you all so much! I’m so lucky to have such great friends!
Love,
Laura
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
afternoon update
"Ideally I'd just like to be pregnant at the end of this cycle, but I guess I can't be picky."
I would just like to throw that statement out there because apparently it's all that it takes to get some good news. Kim just called and my E2 is the highest it's ever been - 639! She says that means there are probably 2 good ones. So even thought it took alot more drugs and 2 extra days, it has ended up an ok cycle.
I would just like to throw that statement out there because apparently it's all that it takes to get some good news. Kim just called and my E2 is the highest it's ever been - 639! She says that means there are probably 2 good ones. So even thought it took alot more drugs and 2 extra days, it has ended up an ok cycle.
Morning appt.
Appt. went ok, although stress levels are high due to some insurance/hospital stuff that we've been dealing with since my HSG in February.
The first time she measured the lining it was 7.2, which is odd because that would mean it got thinner since yesterday. She moved the wand around, measured again, and got to 9.3. They measure the thickest part, so I don't know how we'd ever get an exact, but the 9.3 would go in line with how it's been increasing the past few days.
Follicles - I have 18.7, 15.8, 15.4, and 13.4 on my right side. There are some smaller ones there, as well as 2 tiny ones in my left ovary. We didn't even measure the left ones today. That ovary was being exceptionally difficult and was painful to find. Yesterday they were only a 5 and 7 so we knew they were nothing to worry about. We'll be triggering tonight and IUI is on Friday. The 18 is definitely in play, and the 15s "could" be. So we finally got there, and there is a definite chance, but I'm not holding my breath. I guess I'm still disappointed that it took longer and more drugs to get to this point. My lining is better than it was last cycle (we think) but the follicles aren't as mature. We'll know more on that when my E2 levels come in later today. I'm not sure what number I'm hoping for. I think it's 200-300 per mature follicle that we want to see, so if for some reason I have a number in the 900s, I'll be freaking out a tiny bit. Really, I think 400-500 will be good – that would mean definitely one and possibly 2 mature ones. Ideally I guess I’d like about 600, but I can’t be picky. (Although Anne – didn’t I tell you last cycle that I couldn’t be picky but I’d like over 500 – and about 5 minutes after that I got the call that it was.) It's that fine line - I want more than one shot at it, but don't want triplets. Thank goodness this is it for awhile, I don't want to think about it anymore.
The first time she measured the lining it was 7.2, which is odd because that would mean it got thinner since yesterday. She moved the wand around, measured again, and got to 9.3. They measure the thickest part, so I don't know how we'd ever get an exact, but the 9.3 would go in line with how it's been increasing the past few days.
Follicles - I have 18.7, 15.8, 15.4, and 13.4 on my right side. There are some smaller ones there, as well as 2 tiny ones in my left ovary. We didn't even measure the left ones today. That ovary was being exceptionally difficult and was painful to find. Yesterday they were only a 5 and 7 so we knew they were nothing to worry about. We'll be triggering tonight and IUI is on Friday. The 18 is definitely in play, and the 15s "could" be. So we finally got there, and there is a definite chance, but I'm not holding my breath. I guess I'm still disappointed that it took longer and more drugs to get to this point. My lining is better than it was last cycle (we think) but the follicles aren't as mature. We'll know more on that when my E2 levels come in later today. I'm not sure what number I'm hoping for. I think it's 200-300 per mature follicle that we want to see, so if for some reason I have a number in the 900s, I'll be freaking out a tiny bit. Really, I think 400-500 will be good – that would mean definitely one and possibly 2 mature ones. Ideally I guess I’d like about 600, but I can’t be picky. (Although Anne – didn’t I tell you last cycle that I couldn’t be picky but I’d like over 500 – and about 5 minutes after that I got the call that it was.) It's that fine line - I want more than one shot at it, but don't want triplets. Thank goodness this is it for awhile, I don't want to think about it anymore.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Argh.
I am so over all of this TTC stuff. I’m STILL not ready to trigger! Lining went up some to 8.2 and follicles are at 17.4, 16.6, and 13.1. So more shots tonight and then in the morning, with another scan at 9:30. Trigger has to be tomorrow night with IUI on Friday because we’re out of meds after tomorrow morning. Besides, if they aren’t big enough tomorrow I think they’ll cancel this cycle anyways. I’m just so fed up with it all. Dr. S was in the room with Kim and I heard her say that with the follicles not being there, and with my estradiol being “appalling” that we should go another day. So then I questioned Kim about the estradiol and she said that she doesn’t like to use that word and wants to stay optimistic. Finally I had to ask what it SHOULD be. I guess if I’d had 3 growing follicles yesterday (16.5, 14, 12) they would have liked to see around 500. I had 270 or 290 yesterday. She said today that ideally they want 300 per mature when I trigger. Awesome, just freaking awesome. My ass hurts. We have to find a place that doesn’t feel bruised to do the dumb shots. I’m sick of having my blood drawn. I’m sick of driving down there. I thought we were ready for a break before the start of this cycle – now there is no question. I’m half tempted to quit now, it’s not like I really think my crap body is going to do anything this month. You just have to remind me of this when next cycle starts and I’m in an optimistic mood and want to keep trying. Who knows if I actually will be, because this is the most fed up I’ve ever felt, but I really want to take a break. I feel like my ovaries are revolting. Kim even said my left was taking a break – I have a 5 and a 7 in there. So they need a rest, I need a rest, Jason needs a rest … Not to mention that if my insulin is still high, maybe this would give it time to work itself it. This is all just a bunch of crap and I am so over it. Somebody get me a freakin’ donut.
Monday, August 18, 2008
CD11
Lining = 7.2
Follicles = 16.5, 14, 12, and a bunch of smaller ones
E2 = 271
Everything looks pretty good based on that. Ideally I'd like to have 2 mature follicles, but I'll take one. Granted, it's taken alot more drugs to get to this point but I guess I can't be too picky. So we do another shot tonight, one in the morning, and then scan again at 9am. Most likely will trigger tomorrow night.
This was a bad shot weekend for us. We started the "two-a-days" on Saturday and for whatever reason it took 3 tries to get the morning one in. That's happened one other time - I think he just wasn't pushing it as hard? It would sort of poke me, but not go through the skin. Then the shot on Saturday night bruised my rear pretty bad. You don't see a bruise, but it is so painful.
With that, I decided to count up how many shots I've had. As of right now, it's been 40 shots in my rear, and one in my stomach. I know IVF people have alot more, but still, 40 shots?!?
Follicles = 16.5, 14, 12, and a bunch of smaller ones
E2 = 271
Everything looks pretty good based on that. Ideally I'd like to have 2 mature follicles, but I'll take one. Granted, it's taken alot more drugs to get to this point but I guess I can't be too picky. So we do another shot tonight, one in the morning, and then scan again at 9am. Most likely will trigger tomorrow night.
This was a bad shot weekend for us. We started the "two-a-days" on Saturday and for whatever reason it took 3 tries to get the morning one in. That's happened one other time - I think he just wasn't pushing it as hard? It would sort of poke me, but not go through the skin. Then the shot on Saturday night bruised my rear pretty bad. You don't see a bruise, but it is so painful.
With that, I decided to count up how many shots I've had. As of right now, it's been 40 shots in my rear, and one in my stomach. I know IVF people have alot more, but still, 40 shots?!?
Friday, August 15, 2008
Resistant ovaries
So I had an u/s this morning. CD8 (last cycle was on CD7) and things are moving very slow. My lining was 4.7 (was 4.8 on CD7 last month) and my follicles were only 9.4, 8.3, 8.3, and 7.7. The others were 6.7 and under. Last month a day earlier they were 11.2, 11, 9.6, and 9.0. My estradiol was only 64 today, compared to 145 last month. We expected the low estradiol though since my follicles were smaller. The lining doesn’t bother me either, because I know we’ll have more days to stim. Kim just called and they’re bumping me up to 4 vials/day. So now I get a shot w/ 2 vials at 7am, and another with 2 vials at 7pm. Oh goody. She said that at this point we have to be more aggressive and hit it all hard. She said that we have to figure out something to do about my “resistant ovaries.” I’ll still do 3 vials tonight and start with the 4 tomorrow. I go back at 9am on Monday to see how we’re doing. Her concern is that with the 4 being semi close in size, all will take off. I have no idea what we’ll do then, but I don’t see that we have much choice at the moment. I was reading that you can stim for too long and it decreases the quality of the eggs – so that would be a possibility if we stayed at 3 vials. 4 vials we might have too many, who knows? I doubt it, but it’s a possibility. So the other option would be to cancel now, but that seems silly because we really don’t know what is going to happen. So I'm not sure if I'm depressed/anxious/optimistic/freaked out/etc by this news. I guess I just feel like we'll roll with it and see what happens.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I feel like complaining
Today is CD6. I have had a headache everyday since Monday. I am still feeling bloated and crampy - AND I'm still spotting. What the hell?
Just needed to get some of that grumpiness out.
Just needed to get some of that grumpiness out.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Weekend update
We went out on a boat on Saturday with some friends. We haven’t seen them in a year (or talked to them) and really don’t have much in common anymore. (Not that it’s all that relevant, but just pointing out that none of our real friends would be like this.) Anyways, they asked how the TTC stuff was going. (We never told them we were – Shannon used to work for Jason’s dad so last year Roland told her that he was hoping to be a grandpa soon.) Anyways, I had two different conversations about it – the first with Shannon. It ended with her telling me that it would happen when it’s meant to be/when it’s supposed to/etc. I understand the sentiment, but on CD2 it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. I held my tongue and kept the response to something like “sure, but it sucks that other women are apparently meant to be moms now and I’m not.”
So then later Jay starts talking to me about it. He’s sort of a know-it-all-nurse. He proceeds to ask me, “Do you ever think the problem is that you’re trying too hard?” Umm, no. “I’m sure if you’d just relax it would happen.” Gee thanks. And while he didn’t directly say it, he gave off the “it really hasn’t been all that long” vibe. Can I kick your ass now? He also told me that he said the same thing to a woman he works with. At first he made me feel bad, guilty almost, that we were trying so hard. Like we really were doing something wrong. Then I decided to stick up for myself and educate him, politely of course. I told him that basically it was the worst thing he could say to someone going through infertility. No, I don’t think we’re trying too hard. And don’t you think I’ve tried the relaxing thing? And that basically when he’s telling me that he’s saying that it’s MY fault, all because I’m not relaxed enough and I want it too much. Sure, stress can delay ovulation, and if people are only trying around CD14 they might have troubles. But at this point, timing is not our issue. We KNOW when I’m ovulating. Stress isn’t messing it up. Then he decides to tell me that really I should try some all natural path – he could help me with that and make sure that I’m taking all the right vitamins and minerals. Thanks, but I’ll take what my doctor tells me to take. I know that there are benefits to some of it, but he sounds like such a quack when he’s talking about it, and it pissed me off.
In other weekend news, I had my u/s and b/w yesterday and we started the Lepori last night. We’ll be adding progesterone in the 2ww this cycle. I go back on Friday for another scan. Oh, and we had my FSH tested – it came back at 5. Anything under 10 is good, so at least something is going ok.
I’ve been on such a rollercoaster all weekend. I was doing fine on Friday morning, then went a bit hysterical while talking to Kim. Got back in control, and had a massage on Friday night – which was wonderful, but I cried during it. Saturday I was mad at everyone. Yesterday I was fine until Jason gave me my shot and then was upset for a few hours. I’m scared to death that none of this is going to work. Sure, Kim is optimistic. She’s been optimistic for the last year though. She was convinced Clomid would work. My mom and Jason’s mom just know it will happen. Thanks, but where is this all knowing power coming from? I appreciate the support and hope that people have, it’s just hard to believe it myself.
So then later Jay starts talking to me about it. He’s sort of a know-it-all-nurse. He proceeds to ask me, “Do you ever think the problem is that you’re trying too hard?” Umm, no. “I’m sure if you’d just relax it would happen.” Gee thanks. And while he didn’t directly say it, he gave off the “it really hasn’t been all that long” vibe. Can I kick your ass now? He also told me that he said the same thing to a woman he works with. At first he made me feel bad, guilty almost, that we were trying so hard. Like we really were doing something wrong. Then I decided to stick up for myself and educate him, politely of course. I told him that basically it was the worst thing he could say to someone going through infertility. No, I don’t think we’re trying too hard. And don’t you think I’ve tried the relaxing thing? And that basically when he’s telling me that he’s saying that it’s MY fault, all because I’m not relaxed enough and I want it too much. Sure, stress can delay ovulation, and if people are only trying around CD14 they might have troubles. But at this point, timing is not our issue. We KNOW when I’m ovulating. Stress isn’t messing it up. Then he decides to tell me that really I should try some all natural path – he could help me with that and make sure that I’m taking all the right vitamins and minerals. Thanks, but I’ll take what my doctor tells me to take. I know that there are benefits to some of it, but he sounds like such a quack when he’s talking about it, and it pissed me off.
In other weekend news, I had my u/s and b/w yesterday and we started the Lepori last night. We’ll be adding progesterone in the 2ww this cycle. I go back on Friday for another scan. Oh, and we had my FSH tested – it came back at 5. Anything under 10 is good, so at least something is going ok.
I’ve been on such a rollercoaster all weekend. I was doing fine on Friday morning, then went a bit hysterical while talking to Kim. Got back in control, and had a massage on Friday night – which was wonderful, but I cried during it. Saturday I was mad at everyone. Yesterday I was fine until Jason gave me my shot and then was upset for a few hours. I’m scared to death that none of this is going to work. Sure, Kim is optimistic. She’s been optimistic for the last year though. She was convinced Clomid would work. My mom and Jason’s mom just know it will happen. Thanks, but where is this all knowing power coming from? I appreciate the support and hope that people have, it’s just hard to believe it myself.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Fan.freakin.tastic.
So again, not pregnant. My temp dropped yesterday and I started spotting. It went down even more this morning, and more spotting. Now I’m just waiting until AF actually arrives. I’m hoping to go ahead and get the Lepori ordered today though so that it will be here in time for next cycle. If I do actually start today then I think I might have to go in on Sunday for u/s and b/w.
Isn’t this early you ask? Yes, yes it is. My luteal phase was always shorter on the injectables (11 days) but if I fully start today it will only be 9 days long. I think if that’s the case I’ll have to take progesterone after ovulation. Oh goody, some more fun side effects.
So there you go. I’m waiting for Kim to call me back now.
I’m handling it ok I guess. I pretty much knew yesterday so did my crying then. Now I feel more numb to it all. That and I’m angry/pissed off.
Isn’t this early you ask? Yes, yes it is. My luteal phase was always shorter on the injectables (11 days) but if I fully start today it will only be 9 days long. I think if that’s the case I’ll have to take progesterone after ovulation. Oh goody, some more fun side effects.
So there you go. I’m waiting for Kim to call me back now.
I’m handling it ok I guess. I pretty much knew yesterday so did my crying then. Now I feel more numb to it all. That and I’m angry/pissed off.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
8dpiui
Over halfway there - and the nerves have kicked in. I didn't sleep well, and I can't hardly sit still. Deep down I feel like I'm not pregnant, but it's too early to really know, so there is always that little bit of hope that keeps me anxious. I started temping again a few days ago, so I stare at those trying to figure out if they mean something. Probably not, especially since I can't decide if I should use the temps from 4:30am the past two mornings, or do the temp adjustor to see what they likely would have been at the normal 5:30 time. Do the twinge/crampy feelings mean anything, or are they the same that I get every month sometime in the week before AF? My boobs have stopped hurting as much which makes me sad. (They were SO sore starting the day after the trigger shot but are dying down now.) How am I going to handle it if I'm not pregnant this month? I try to prepare myself for it and not expect any great news, but it still sucks when you find out you were right. What will I do about ordering the meds if I'm not pregnant? I only have enough for two days worth leftover - which means I'd need to get them by CD5. IF AF arrives in the morning and IF I get them ordered right then, I should have time in time. What if I start over the weekend though? (The other two injectable cycles were shorter - with only 11 day LP, so it's possible that I'll start this weekend.) Should I call Kim on Friday and have her call the prescription in, so that I can order them right when I need to? Does the place even ship things out over the weekend? I know they deliver 7 days/week, but what about processing/shipping?
Those are just some of the thoughts that kept me up last night. There is also the happier flip side - how will it feel if I AM pregnant? How will we tell people? When will we tell people? What if I get a BFP, only to find out that my beta doesn't double and it's not going to last?
Oh, that reminds me - I can't remember if I told people what will happen if I ever do get a BFP. I'll go down that day for bloodwork to get my beta hcg level. There are certain ranges that they want that to be in, but the biggest thing is that it should double roughly every 2 days (although I've read 72 hours in some places.) So I'll go down a few days later for a second beta, and then I'm not sure about a third or not. Then about 6 weeks I'll have an u/s with Dr. Shepard to see how things are going. If they're happy, then they'll release me to my OB for the rest of the pregnancy.
Those are just some of the thoughts that kept me up last night. There is also the happier flip side - how will it feel if I AM pregnant? How will we tell people? When will we tell people? What if I get a BFP, only to find out that my beta doesn't double and it's not going to last?
Oh, that reminds me - I can't remember if I told people what will happen if I ever do get a BFP. I'll go down that day for bloodwork to get my beta hcg level. There are certain ranges that they want that to be in, but the biggest thing is that it should double roughly every 2 days (although I've read 72 hours in some places.) So I'll go down a few days later for a second beta, and then I'm not sure about a third or not. Then about 6 weeks I'll have an u/s with Dr. Shepard to see how things are going. If they're happy, then they'll release me to my OB for the rest of the pregnancy.
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