Update

CD13 – just got back from u/s.

Lining measurements were 6.1, 6.1, 6.2, and 6.4 so we’ll average that to 6.2. Almost 2mm better than last cycle on the day I triggered, so I guess I can’t complain.

Right ovary had one mature follicle (over 18mm) and then two smaller ones (less than 12.) Left ovary was hard to find and there were 3 tiny ones (less than 10.)

They seem happy with the results – I’m not, but I think it’s more that I’m just so very very tired of all of this. Anyways, the IUI will be at 2:30 on Wednesday, so I will be triggering tonight at 2am – oh boy. (That was our request because Jason only works until noon on Wednesday.)

There is a shortage of the HCG shot that I get, so I’m taking one called Ovidrel now – and that is given in the stomach. Again, oh boy.

Oh, and the best part of the appt – Irena, my other nurse, is pregnant. I don’t know that 100% for sure, but she most definitely looks like she is. I haven’t seen her in a month and just has a nice rounded out belly now. I’m 99% sure that it’s not just weight gain – it very much looks like a pregnant belly. I am happy for her, it was just a shock. I knew she had a daughter but for some reason I thought she was a single mom so it never occurred to me that it could be a possibility. It has to feel weird for her – I mean, she deals with women who can’t get pregnant every day.

A new drug

This cycle we're trying something called Letrozole (or Femara.) It's typically used for women with breast cancer, but they have found that it also acts much like Clomid, as far as ovulation induction goes. Many RE's have found that it doesn't cause the thin lining like Clomid can. Since it isn't a specific fertility drug, my insurance covered it, and it was only $25. Not too bad. I take it from CD3-7, just like Clomid. I'll go in for an u/s when I get a positive OPK, or on CD13 -whichever comes first.

I've seen a bunch on my message boards who have used it, and obviously still aren't pregnant. I've also seen a bunch on the success board though, who after a few months of Clomid, used Letrozole and got pregnant.

So I'm sort of excited to try something new.

Emotionally, still having a rough week.

CD1 .... I think

Before all of this started, I never thought I'd spend so much time staring at toilet paper, trying to decide if I had in fact started, or if it was just spotting. Who would have thought it would be such a big deal? (After much deliberation, I have decided it was just spotting until about 7pm tonight. For now I will mark today, CD1. They may decide to make that tomorrow, since it was later in the day that I started.)

Then again, I also never thought I'd spend so much time around O time, trying to decide if my cervical mucus was sticky, creamy, wet, or the elusive "egg white cervical mucus." Sort of funny story about that (and maybe one I've already told?) - one month I sat on the toilet, the "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" book in one hand for reference, and in the other trying to determine if my mucus was in fact, stretching. I even called Jason in to inspect it as well - we decided at that particular time that it was more sticky, not egg white stretchy. And then we burst out laughing that we were even looking that closely at it. Hey, I've got to find humor in this somewhere, right?

Anyways, I'll be calling Kim tomorrow, but I figure I'll be going in Friday or Saturday for an u/s. I don't know what our plan is for this cycle yet, but I've already told them that I won't be doing Clomid again.

A day to cry

After I posted the update this morning I pretty much lost control of all emotions. I emailed my boss around 8:30 and told him I'd be in at 10. At 10:30 I was still in my bed crying. I just couldn't get out of the funk. I ended up making it to work about 11:30 and lasted about 5 minutes before I burst into tears again. I went in to my other boss's office (Brian, who I always complain about) and told him that I just couldn't make it through the day. I didn't tell him why, but I think he knows what's going on, and really, in an office full of males, who is going to tell the sobbing girl she can't go home? He also ended up giving me a hug, which was sweet of him, but really awkward and weird.

Then I went over to see my friend Laura and went on a long walk with her, and started to feel much better. I went home after that and read a romance novel, and started to read two other books that I ordered.

Speaking of the books I ordered - they were "The Empty Picture Frame" and "I am more than my infertility." If you look at them on Amazon, the reviews are great. It's so nice to read books that I can really relate to. It makes me feel so much better to read their stories and realize that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. It seems that everyone who goes through this has the same feelings/insecurities/etc.

I feel the same way when I read my message board. It's so weird to feel such a bond with a bunch of women that I've never really met, but who are going through something similar and can relate in ways that others can't. That's not to say that I don't cherish the support from my real life friends, but the overwhelming closeness with women I've never actually met is incredible. I don't think I'm doing a good job of explaining it and how it makes me feel, but it really is indescribable.

13dpiui

As suspected, not pregnant. AF hasn't actually arrived but my temps are lower and I went ahead and tested this morning - stark white. At 13dpiui, I'm confident that is accurate. In Clomid months my LP is longer, so I imagine I'll actually start tomorrow or Thursday at the latest.

The worst part about this morning was that Jason apparently woke up when I did, so he knew I was in the bathroom testing. Previous months he's slept right through it. So when I came out and walked around to my side of the bed he asked me. When I told him not pregnant he sounded so sad and said, "yea, I kind of figured." I normally come back to bed crying and tell him anyways, but something about him asking me, and knowing that he was awake listening to me in the bathroom, probably holding his breath that I'd run out with amazing news, just really got to me.

Weekend updates

First off, no I'm not feeling optimistic, and no, I don't know when/if I'll test. AF should be here by Wednesday or Thursday so I might just wait until then - I'm tired of seeing stark white pregnancy tests. I might decide to test before then just so I can call my other doctor about the never ending cough.

Ok, onto the weekend.

Friday - I went to pottery barn kids website and found out that the baby girl bedding that I've been in love with for a long time, is being discontinued. A small thing to most probably, and there are other beddings out there, but I was pretty crushed and sat at my desk and cried. I'm still half tempted to buy it now (it's on sale after all) and sell it on Ebay if I don't need it. Luckily the boy bedding that I want is still available - otherwise I'd be considering buying both! I know there are others out there, but I've been out there shopping for shower gifts, etc and just haven't seen many others that I love as much.

Saturday - we had a baby shower to go to. I was fine buying the gifts for it that morning and I was fine playing the games (even the one where we had to guess how big around Kim was - that one is so focused on pregnancy that I thought I'd have a hard time with it.) Up until the gifts I never even really thought about being upset. I made it through the end of the second gift, when she pulled out a pair of baby booties. At that point I had to get up and leave the room. Thankfully all of the guys were outside playing cornhole, etc so I went out and hung out with them. By the time I got out there I was crying, but I don't really think anyone besides Jason knew.

Sunday - overall just a bad day, for obvious reasons.

So that was my weekend. I'll keep you updated on this week, if there is anything worthy of blogging.

This is so cool

This seriously is so cool to me! This month I had an ultrasound on CD 14 and had that beautiful perfectly round follicle in my left ovary. When I went back on CD16 for the IUI we took a quick glance at the same ovary – and that same follicle was oblong shaped and they said it meant that I had probably just ovulated. From these pictures it looks like they were right! That follicle certainly changed shape as the egg was leaving it.

The Incredible Egg

Will this week ever end?

Yesterday morning I was convinced I was pregnant. Yesterday afternoon I was convinced I was not and was feeling quite panicky about it. Last night I didn’t think one way or the other, but didn’t feel good. The cough was going away and now it seems to be coming back and for awhile there I wanted AF to arrive ASAP so I could call my family doctor and get some better drugs. Today I am just kind of “eh”. I’m trying to come up with something to do whatever day I find out I’m not PG. I think we’re going to go to Golden Corral that day. I’ve been wanting to go – I love all of those food options – but Jason isn’t a huge fan. So on the day I find out I’m not pregnant (can you tell how optimistic I am here?) we get to go eat there. I’m strange, I know.

PS - Thank you for all of the fun "symptom" emails!

Wasn't all bad

The weekend wasn’t all bad. Chrissi was in town so some of us met for lunch at Charlestons on Sunday, I had a pedicure with my mom, and I realized that a pair of khaki capris that I bought at the end of April are a size too big now!

Rough weekend

This weekend was a really rough weekend. I’m not even entirely sure why – it’s not like I had any sort of bad news, but still, was just really upset. Thinking about babies, hearing about them, seeing them …. It all just really upset me and I spent most of the day Saturday and part of Sunday, laying on the couch crying/napping/watching stupid movies. 99% of the time I am fine being around babies, I usually love it. I like hearing about how things are going, planning showers, asking how pregnancies are, etc. This weekend I just didn’t.

I have no idea what triggered it. Could be because it was so gloomy and rainy on Saturday. Could be because Jason was gone most of the weekend with work/Relay for Life stuff. Could be because I was talking to my mom about all of the garage sales with baby stuff. I remember last summer during garage sale season being excited that I’d hopefully get to go around and find some good deals on things. Now we’re to another garage sale season and I still can’t do that.

Whatever the cause, everything just hurt this weekend. Luckily I have an amazing husband, who just by giving me a hug when he got home, can make me feel so much better. I feel bad, because I know there are times he’s hurting too, but he’s so strong for me when I can’t seem to be.

I know this may make it difficult for my friends – what can they say, not say, how will they know if I’m upset, etc. All I can say is that there really is no good answer as this is such a twisted emotional rollercoaster. Like I said before though, 99% of the time I’m just fine and love to hear about everything. So I guess I’m saying that no one has to act differently or feel bad if I’m upset, but just understand if I don’t seem as interested or excited about baby things as normal that I’m not trying to be rude, I just need some time to be away from it for awhile.

IUI this morning

IUI went ok this morning. They told me not to empty my bladder like I normally do and that made it a little easier. There was no hard belly pushing or tenaculum, just some pressure and bad cramping. I took a Tylenol w/ codeine beforehand, and I think that helped take the edge off. Afterwards we looked at my lining and it had thickened a little bit. The first two times she measured it at almost 7, the second two at just over 5, so who knows? Either way they didn’t seem TOO concerned about it. It’s not optimal, but it’s doable. Then we looked quickly at my left ovary and it looks like I just started to ovulate – yay!! Instead of a perfect circle follicle it was this oblong thing and they said it looked like the egg was probably released. I think this made our timing just about perfect so I’m pretty excited about that. Especially because we had some “backup” from Monday night and we’ll be adding some more tomorrow probably. So now we wait!

Sign ups!

I should be ovulating sometime tonight or tomorrow, based on the HCG trigger shot given at 10pm last night. This means that Thursday will probably be 1dpo (days past ovulation) and is the beginning of my 2ww.

Due to this, I am now taking signups for a day of worrying. On the day you commit to, please think, wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant. At the end of the day let me know how agonizing it was and what your symptoms were. Things to specifically pay attention to:
- Do your boobs hurt? What about if you poke at them every so often to check? Do they hurt then?
- Are you peeing often? If so, is it because you’ve had more to drink that day, or could it mean something else? Or are you just imagining that you’re peeing more often and really it’s just a normal amount? Or is it because you’re pregnant?
- Are you more tired than usual? Do you want to take a nap in the afternoon? Wonder if maybe you just didn’t get enough sleep last night or is it because you’re pregnant?
- How is your stomach feeling? Any nausea? Weird twinges? Indigestion? Did you eat something weird and that’s the cause? Are you stressed and nervous and that’s causing it? Or is it because you’re pregnant?
- When you go to the bathroom, check the toilet paper after you wipe. Any signs of red? Even maybe the faintest pink? This is especially important if you’re taking a day between 6 and 10dpo. It could mean implantation spotting and you might be pregnant.

You should also spend a good deal of time staring at my chart and wondering if the temps mean something. Also, many hours reading message boards about other’s symptoms is required.

Minor breakdown

After two minor breakdowns and talking with Kim, we’ve decided to go forward with the IUI. I got really really discouraged last night after doing some reading on lining thickness and was ready to throw the towel in on this cycle. That made me feel totally hopeless and I was a tiny bit upset. (Ok, who am I kidding? I wailed like a big baby.) I talked to Kim this morning though and she said that there is no reason to cancel this cycle. No, it’s not optimal, but it is possible. We have other things going for us this month so that helps. Also the HCG shot that Jason gave me last night should help thicken it. We’ll check it again tomorrow before or after the IUI just so we know how the lining ended up. I just keep trying to focus on my pretty follicles and that keeps me hopeful.

CD14

Just got back from the u/s.

The good news: my follicles are “beautiful” especially one in particular. In my right ovary I had one measuring 16mm and another smaller one. In my left I had one measuring 19.5 (that’s the beautiful one), one at 17.4, and another smaller one. This explains why my ovaries hurt when I cough – it was awful last night! There are more mature/almost mature ones than on the injectables! They don’t think that the 16 will grow enough to be in play so aren’t too concerned about triplets. Just watch that happen though.

The bad news: my lining was still only 4.7. She said that it didn’t mean it’s impossible, just may be harder. I think this is part of the reason we’re not too concerned about triplets. It’s an uphill battle to begin with, and the chances of all 3 fertilizing and sticking (especially when 2 of them aren’t “mature” yet anyways) is really slim.

The plan: Seeing as my OPKs were still stark white this morning, meaning I have no signs of an LH surge, I am triggering tonight to get the O going. We are also supposed to get busy tonight and then we have an IUI scheduled for Wednesday morning. We may not go to it, but they thought it was a good idea to schedule and then cancel if we want to. So we’ll see how tonight goes and if Jason is comfortable going ahead with TI for the next few days. I also have to pay attention to my CM tomorrow and if I think it seemed dried up then we’ll do the IUI.

The plan part 2: I have an appt at 2:30 with my family doctor about the cough. Not sure what they’ll be able to do about it because we’re going forward with this cycle but we’ll try. I don’t know if they can give me something that I can take for awhile since I haven’t even ovulated yet, and even if I did conceive this cycle it would be awhile before blood is shared anyways?

Update

Had an u/s yesterday morning. My lining is only 4.2 (and she had to measure it 4 times to get a measurement that big.) So that's bad.

My follicles were decent. I had one in my right ovary that measured 13.8. Then I had 3 in my left ovary - measuring 14.3, 13.6,and a small one at 9.6. So as far as that goes, it's nice that there are three that seem to be maturing nicely. In a perfect cycle we'd have liked them to be a bit bigger by CD12, but when does the perfect cycle ever happen? None of it will matter anyways if my lining doesn't thicken.

I go back tomorrow morning for another u/s.