Christmas Eve was hard. Being at church is hard enough, being at a church that my dad grew up going to even harder, and hearing the most adorable little 4 year old sing Silent Night, while his dad sat in front of me video taping him, pushed me over the edge.
I've realized that it's not so much babies anymore that upsets me. It's the little kids, it's the "family" things. Will we ever have that?
Friday, December 26, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
WTF appt
We had our WTF appt yesterday (yep, it’s the “what the eff” appt.) It went ok I guess. I knew that there wouldn’t be any answers, but it still sucked to not really get any. Also, several of the nurses came in and said how sorry they were it didn’t work. I’m happy to report that I only started to cry once though.
Anyways, there are no real answers as to why it didn’t work. The embryos seemed to be great, so we’re leaning more towards something preventing them from implanting. It still could be just that we’re in the unlucky percentage that it didn’t work for, but we’d rather go with the thought that something is actually wrong. With that thought process we’ll take the time to figure out something to change before doing the FET. If we went with the attitude that we were just unlucky this time, we’d go straight to the FET without checking out other things and could potentially miss something important.
We found out some more family history of things and are looking into some of that. They took 4 vials of blood yesterday to check things like PAI-1, ANA, and a handful of other things. Some of it has to do with auto immune diseases, which seems to sort of run in the family. Something else that I might want to have checked is if I have Endometriosis. For the most part, the work around for that would be IVF –however there have been studies that not only are there physical things that Endo affects, but that it affects various levels of things that can hinder egg development and impair implantation. Dr. S doesn’t seem that interested in looking into this idea, but I may bring it up again after this round of blood work comes back. I don’t have any pain that is often associated with it, but you don’t have to. It does seem to run in my family though, so I think it might be worth looking in to.
There is still the problem of why I don’t respond to the hormones well and only produce a small number of follies. We’re not really looking at that, or how to change the stimming protocol, because Jason and I aren’t sure if we’ll do another fresh IVF cycle or not. It just depends on a lot of things and we’ll have to decide where it’s best for our money to go.
So that’s our update – nothing much to report really.
Anyways, there are no real answers as to why it didn’t work. The embryos seemed to be great, so we’re leaning more towards something preventing them from implanting. It still could be just that we’re in the unlucky percentage that it didn’t work for, but we’d rather go with the thought that something is actually wrong. With that thought process we’ll take the time to figure out something to change before doing the FET. If we went with the attitude that we were just unlucky this time, we’d go straight to the FET without checking out other things and could potentially miss something important.
We found out some more family history of things and are looking into some of that. They took 4 vials of blood yesterday to check things like PAI-1, ANA, and a handful of other things. Some of it has to do with auto immune diseases, which seems to sort of run in the family. Something else that I might want to have checked is if I have Endometriosis. For the most part, the work around for that would be IVF –however there have been studies that not only are there physical things that Endo affects, but that it affects various levels of things that can hinder egg development and impair implantation. Dr. S doesn’t seem that interested in looking into this idea, but I may bring it up again after this round of blood work comes back. I don’t have any pain that is often associated with it, but you don’t have to. It does seem to run in my family though, so I think it might be worth looking in to.
There is still the problem of why I don’t respond to the hormones well and only produce a small number of follies. We’re not really looking at that, or how to change the stimming protocol, because Jason and I aren’t sure if we’ll do another fresh IVF cycle or not. It just depends on a lot of things and we’ll have to decide where it’s best for our money to go.
So that’s our update – nothing much to report really.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Stages
And for the 3rd post of the night ...
One day at a time - that's how we've gotten through this week. And it's gotten easier each day. It may sound like a bizarre thought, but it really is like a grieving process. In a way I almost feel bad comparing it, but on a different scale it's much of the same feelings as when my dad died. Really the whole infertility process has been like this, month after month. You get so hopeful that it will work, that you'll finally find out you're going to be a mom. And then each month that dream is taken away from you. You have to deal with that loss (because really, that's what it feels like each month) and pick yourself back up again. Then do it all over again the next month.
- Shock & Denial - both when I realized becoming a mom wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it would be, and this week when I realized our IVF didn't work and the little embryos didn't stick. The morning we found out, we both went back to sleep afterwards. I woke back up a few hours later and was convinced it must have been a bad dream and we just hadn't tested yet and it would be positive.
- Pain & Guilt - this was a big one for me this week. Pain obviously - Jason and I were both so heartbroken when we saw that negative. I don't even know how to explain - we want this so badly and it just seems there taunting us, barely out of reach. Will it ever work? Will we ever hold a baby that has my eyes and his nose?
On the guilt side - I keep wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. Those embryos were alive and doing well before we put them in. It was my body that wouldn't let them stick. It's my body that is the cause of all of this. It's my body that won't let Jason be a daddy, when he so desperately wants to be one and I know will be fantastic at it.
- Anger and Bargaining - through this whole process I've had times of anger and bitterness. Why me? Why are so many people able to get pregnant easily and I can't? Why, why, why? I get mad at Jason sometimes, for no reason, other than that I need someone to be mad at. I get mad at Dr. S and Kim because they can't fix it. I get mad at my mom and Jason's mom because they are so positive and SO sure it's going to happen. I get mad at God. Why on top of my dad dying do I have to deal with this? What did I do wrong?
For the bargaining, I've sort of done this all along and I think it goes along with the things I feel guilty about - if I make these changes for next time it might work - maybe if I go to church more, maybe if I keep the house cleaner, cook better dinners, work longer hours, etc.
- Depression - enough said. I'm so sad about it, how can I not feel depressed? Mostly this week I've wanted to keep to myself (or with just Jason), avoid all friends. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all hope, and don't even want to try the FET cycle (frozen embryo transfer.)
- Acceptance - one form of acceptance would be to accept living child free. We are completely not there, nor will we ever be. Another form is to accept we won't have our own biological child. It's a possibility that we'll have to gain that acceptance but not yet.
The acceptance that I'd say I'm struggling with now is to accept that this IS happening to me. I've been dealt these cards, I'm going down this path, whether we like it or not. Sometimes I read the quote at the top of the blog and think I'm to this stage. Other times I just want to ask "why, why, why" (see above) and realize that I'm not really there yet. Even if I was, because it's such a cyclical thing, I know I'll just go through it all again next month.
To end this rambling post, I found two quotes today that spoke to me:
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
"Fuck you infertility, I'll beat you. You watch!"
One day at a time - that's how we've gotten through this week. And it's gotten easier each day. It may sound like a bizarre thought, but it really is like a grieving process. In a way I almost feel bad comparing it, but on a different scale it's much of the same feelings as when my dad died. Really the whole infertility process has been like this, month after month. You get so hopeful that it will work, that you'll finally find out you're going to be a mom. And then each month that dream is taken away from you. You have to deal with that loss (because really, that's what it feels like each month) and pick yourself back up again. Then do it all over again the next month.
- Shock & Denial - both when I realized becoming a mom wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it would be, and this week when I realized our IVF didn't work and the little embryos didn't stick. The morning we found out, we both went back to sleep afterwards. I woke back up a few hours later and was convinced it must have been a bad dream and we just hadn't tested yet and it would be positive.
- Pain & Guilt - this was a big one for me this week. Pain obviously - Jason and I were both so heartbroken when we saw that negative. I don't even know how to explain - we want this so badly and it just seems there taunting us, barely out of reach. Will it ever work? Will we ever hold a baby that has my eyes and his nose?
On the guilt side - I keep wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. Those embryos were alive and doing well before we put them in. It was my body that wouldn't let them stick. It's my body that is the cause of all of this. It's my body that won't let Jason be a daddy, when he so desperately wants to be one and I know will be fantastic at it.
- Anger and Bargaining - through this whole process I've had times of anger and bitterness. Why me? Why are so many people able to get pregnant easily and I can't? Why, why, why? I get mad at Jason sometimes, for no reason, other than that I need someone to be mad at. I get mad at Dr. S and Kim because they can't fix it. I get mad at my mom and Jason's mom because they are so positive and SO sure it's going to happen. I get mad at God. Why on top of my dad dying do I have to deal with this? What did I do wrong?
For the bargaining, I've sort of done this all along and I think it goes along with the things I feel guilty about - if I make these changes for next time it might work - maybe if I go to church more, maybe if I keep the house cleaner, cook better dinners, work longer hours, etc.
- Depression - enough said. I'm so sad about it, how can I not feel depressed? Mostly this week I've wanted to keep to myself (or with just Jason), avoid all friends. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all hope, and don't even want to try the FET cycle (frozen embryo transfer.)
- Acceptance - one form of acceptance would be to accept living child free. We are completely not there, nor will we ever be. Another form is to accept we won't have our own biological child. It's a possibility that we'll have to gain that acceptance but not yet.
The acceptance that I'd say I'm struggling with now is to accept that this IS happening to me. I've been dealt these cards, I'm going down this path, whether we like it or not. Sometimes I read the quote at the top of the blog and think I'm to this stage. Other times I just want to ask "why, why, why" (see above) and realize that I'm not really there yet. Even if I was, because it's such a cyclical thing, I know I'll just go through it all again next month.
To end this rambling post, I found two quotes today that spoke to me:
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
"Fuck you infertility, I'll beat you. You watch!"
What's next?
Good question. We'll have a wtf (what the fuck went wrong) appointment in a few weeks. We'll talk about what to do next. We'll probably do our FET sometime in the spring - we want time away from it. And that's about all we know right now.
Playing catch up
There were so many things that I wanted to blog about during this, but just didn't feel up to it. I thought I'd go ahead and do it now to remember later.
The retrieval:
- The night before the retrieval I decided I had nothing to wear to it. Really? Who goes shopping for an outfit to wear to an egg retrieval? Oh yeah, that would be me. I ended up buying some gym pants and a matching long sleeve tshirt. (Both of which I had to remove when we got there anyways!) I did get to keep on my lucky socks though.
- I felt so bad afterwards that I didn't care much about anything. I wasn't expecting that at all. Turns out that I probably had blood pooled (based on some bloodwork they did and the fever) near my diaphragm that caused all of the pain in the shoulder and the general feeling of crappiness.
- Some pictures to remember it by: ready for my IV of fun drugs - excited and nervous about what was to come!
At home afterwards, drugged up and trying to stay in a 45 degree angle. (Later that became in a sitting up position because even the 45 degree angle hurt.)
The transfer:
- We were SO nervous going into it. (Or at least I was.) There was always a chance when we got there that we'd find out none of the embryos made it.
- Seeing the pictures of the embryos was one of the most amazing moments.
- I was completely awake and drug free during the transfer. It didn't hurt at all.
- I had to pee worse than I ever have before afterwards.
- I had to use the bed pan 3 times in about 40 minutes. Using a bed pan lying flat on your back isn't fun. Peeing while flat on your back isn't easy. Some pee felt like it was going down my back. Yuck.
Bedrest:
- It's not all that it's cracked up to be. I was so completely bored - you can only watch so many episodes of Gilmore Girls, play games of solitaire and snood, and play on the internet for so long.
- Google is not your friend. Or sometimes it is, but you really should stay away from it. Things I googled while on bed rest:
"Can you pee out your embryos?" (In reference to the bed pan experience immediately after the transfer.)
"Constipation after transfer." I was really constipated but was afraid to strain too much. Sort of along the lines of the question above, but with bowel movements.
"Should I be laying down for IVF bed rest?" I wasn't sure if sitting up or laying down made a difference.
"Pictures of 5 day blastocysts." I needed to see if mine looked as good or better than others.
"Success rates of blast transfers." This mostly got my hopes up.
"Failure of blast transfers." After my hopes were up I thought it would be best if I brought them back down.
-Thanks to Jen for bringing over dinner on Thursday night! My mom came and spent all day Friday with me, and provided our lunch and dinner.
A picture from my bedrest: Cali enjoyed it more than I did.
The 2WW:
- I tried to stay as calm and relaxed as I could. I did a pretty good job of not overanalyzing "symptoms" beause I knew most of them were from the progesterone shots anyways.
- I really didn't even have that many "symptoms" anyways. My boobs hurt most every day, and I was a little nauseaus on one day. And somewhat tired in the evenings, but I had been that way for 6 weeks so it wasn't new.
- The PIO shots weren't nearly as bad as I'd heard. The first 5 or so were a breeze, and then I had one that formed a knot under the skin. We ended up having to really be sure to move around (luckily I have a big butt) to make sure and not hit a previously injected area. Some of them bruised, some formed knots (I still have them), and for a few days I had to be careful how I leaned back against a chair. But overall they weren't that bad.
- I had a little bit of spotting - more of a brown mucus - on 9 days past the transfer. No explanation for that.
After the BFFN (big fat fucking negative):
- I threw my lucky socks away after the BFN. I toyed with the idea of cutting them up into tiny pieces first, but decided it would take up too much time.
- We had to do the PIO shots until Wednesday night.
- I got to take off the estrogen patches on Thursday.
- AF should arrive in 1-10 days from now.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone's support this week. I have the best friends!
And that's it! Every random thought that I've had in the past few weeks and wanted to blog.
The retrieval:
- The night before the retrieval I decided I had nothing to wear to it. Really? Who goes shopping for an outfit to wear to an egg retrieval? Oh yeah, that would be me. I ended up buying some gym pants and a matching long sleeve tshirt. (Both of which I had to remove when we got there anyways!) I did get to keep on my lucky socks though.
- I felt so bad afterwards that I didn't care much about anything. I wasn't expecting that at all. Turns out that I probably had blood pooled (based on some bloodwork they did and the fever) near my diaphragm that caused all of the pain in the shoulder and the general feeling of crappiness.
- Some pictures to remember it by: ready for my IV of fun drugs - excited and nervous about what was to come!
At home afterwards, drugged up and trying to stay in a 45 degree angle. (Later that became in a sitting up position because even the 45 degree angle hurt.)
The transfer:
- We were SO nervous going into it. (Or at least I was.) There was always a chance when we got there that we'd find out none of the embryos made it.
- Seeing the pictures of the embryos was one of the most amazing moments.
- I was completely awake and drug free during the transfer. It didn't hurt at all.
- I had to pee worse than I ever have before afterwards.
- I had to use the bed pan 3 times in about 40 minutes. Using a bed pan lying flat on your back isn't fun. Peeing while flat on your back isn't easy. Some pee felt like it was going down my back. Yuck.
Bedrest:
- It's not all that it's cracked up to be. I was so completely bored - you can only watch so many episodes of Gilmore Girls, play games of solitaire and snood, and play on the internet for so long.
- Google is not your friend. Or sometimes it is, but you really should stay away from it. Things I googled while on bed rest:
"Can you pee out your embryos?" (In reference to the bed pan experience immediately after the transfer.)
"Constipation after transfer." I was really constipated but was afraid to strain too much. Sort of along the lines of the question above, but with bowel movements.
"Should I be laying down for IVF bed rest?" I wasn't sure if sitting up or laying down made a difference.
"Pictures of 5 day blastocysts." I needed to see if mine looked as good or better than others.
"Success rates of blast transfers." This mostly got my hopes up.
"Failure of blast transfers." After my hopes were up I thought it would be best if I brought them back down.
-Thanks to Jen for bringing over dinner on Thursday night! My mom came and spent all day Friday with me, and provided our lunch and dinner.
A picture from my bedrest: Cali enjoyed it more than I did.
The 2WW:
- I tried to stay as calm and relaxed as I could. I did a pretty good job of not overanalyzing "symptoms" beause I knew most of them were from the progesterone shots anyways.
- I really didn't even have that many "symptoms" anyways. My boobs hurt most every day, and I was a little nauseaus on one day. And somewhat tired in the evenings, but I had been that way for 6 weeks so it wasn't new.
- The PIO shots weren't nearly as bad as I'd heard. The first 5 or so were a breeze, and then I had one that formed a knot under the skin. We ended up having to really be sure to move around (luckily I have a big butt) to make sure and not hit a previously injected area. Some of them bruised, some formed knots (I still have them), and for a few days I had to be careful how I leaned back against a chair. But overall they weren't that bad.
- I had a little bit of spotting - more of a brown mucus - on 9 days past the transfer. No explanation for that.
After the BFFN (big fat fucking negative):
- I threw my lucky socks away after the BFN. I toyed with the idea of cutting them up into tiny pieces first, but decided it would take up too much time.
- We had to do the PIO shots until Wednesday night.
- I got to take off the estrogen patches on Thursday.
- AF should arrive in 1-10 days from now.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone's support this week. I have the best friends!
And that's it! Every random thought that I've had in the past few weeks and wanted to blog.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Not pregnant
Jason and I tested yesterday and today, both of which were as negative as can be. Yesterday was 10dp5dt, or 15dpo, so we are confident in the results. (Especially after today's as well.) I'm calling Kim to try to get my beta moved to today or tomorrow to confirm and end this nightmare.
We are heartbroken, devastated, bitter, angry - any emotion that makes you either want to break something or stay in bed for a long time.
I have not thought ahead, other than just to get through today.
We are heartbroken, devastated, bitter, angry - any emotion that makes you either want to break something or stay in bed for a long time.
I have not thought ahead, other than just to get through today.
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