Just thought I'd post a quick update before we leave. I had some bloodwork done Friday morning to check for that MTHFR and also a glucose tolerance test. That's the one where you drink that awful sugary orange drink and then have your blood drawn later. About an hour after I drank it I was on such a sugary high and then had a big crash a few hours after that. It was oh so much fun. Anyways, we'll get those results (hopefully) when we meet with Dr. S on May 13th.
Hope everyone has a great week!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Just beautiful
I just came across this on a message board and thought it was beautiful. I think I may try to do something neat with part of it - starting from the "What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"
A few disclaimers - if you've ever told me "things happen for a reason" - I haven't taken offense to that. There's a difference in saying that and just leaving it at that (which sort of leads to "and maybe that reason is you aren't supposed to be a mom), and saying that with some follow up of how it's brought Jason and I closer together, etc.
Also, at the very end when they talk about the joy experienced, I feel like it sounds like I would experience more joy than someone else and that my child would be more loved. I don't think that at all - I just think it's a different joy because of the different paths taken to get to that point.
Ok, just wanted to make sure that I didn't offend anyone before I posted this!
Make sure and pay attention from the "What do I think God meant ..." part. I just love it. And if you have any ideas of what I could do with it, let me know.
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones:
"Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
"While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
A few disclaimers - if you've ever told me "things happen for a reason" - I haven't taken offense to that. There's a difference in saying that and just leaving it at that (which sort of leads to "and maybe that reason is you aren't supposed to be a mom), and saying that with some follow up of how it's brought Jason and I closer together, etc.
Also, at the very end when they talk about the joy experienced, I feel like it sounds like I would experience more joy than someone else and that my child would be more loved. I don't think that at all - I just think it's a different joy because of the different paths taken to get to that point.
Ok, just wanted to make sure that I didn't offend anyone before I posted this!
Make sure and pay attention from the "What do I think God meant ..." part. I just love it. And if you have any ideas of what I could do with it, let me know.
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones:
"Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
"While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
No updates
Nothing really to report. When I thought AF started the other day it actually ended up being spotting that last off and on until Wednesday night the full flow came. That means that my LP was a little bit longer, so I'm not as worried about that.
I'll know Monday or Tuesday what we're doing about additional tests. It sounds like we're definetly doing the MTHFR one, but possibly some others. Will keep you updated!
9 days until I'm on a beach! I can't wait!
Oh, I just added a poll for fun. I've realized that I have no idea what to expect for cycle length this cycle. I've ranged anywhere from 23-36 days. Do you think I'll go back to a longer cycle this month since it's not a medicated cycle, or will it stay short?
I'll know Monday or Tuesday what we're doing about additional tests. It sounds like we're definetly doing the MTHFR one, but possibly some others. Will keep you updated!
9 days until I'm on a beach! I can't wait!
Oh, I just added a poll for fun. I've realized that I have no idea what to expect for cycle length this cycle. I've ranged anywhere from 23-36 days. Do you think I'll go back to a longer cycle this month since it's not a medicated cycle, or will it stay short?
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
IUI #3 = BFN
AF decided to come way early – today is just 10dpiui, giving me a 9 day LP. Great – we still can’t figure out my ovulation issues and now I get to worry about a short LP? I’ve read it can be shorter on injectables for some reason, but 9 days seems too short. (As a point of reference, mine is usually 13-14 days – although last month (first on injectables) was only 11.)
I actually haven’t cried yet today – I feel like I’m borderline and could any minute, but part of me just feels too tired to cry.
I just left a message with my dr’s office to see what we want to do now. We’re taking this month off since we’ll be on a beach in 12 days, but there was talk of doing a few tests this month. So while I’m waiting to hear back from them, I’m going to enjoy my donut w/ chocolate icing and coffee.
I actually haven’t cried yet today – I feel like I’m borderline and could any minute, but part of me just feels too tired to cry.
I just left a message with my dr’s office to see what we want to do now. We’re taking this month off since we’ll be on a beach in 12 days, but there was talk of doing a few tests this month. So while I’m waiting to hear back from them, I’m going to enjoy my donut w/ chocolate icing and coffee.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Advice
OMG. So we have an insurance office on our floor that recently hired this crazy older woman as a secretary. She just came up to me, asking if I had change for a dollar, and saw pictures of Jason and I on my desk. She told me that my husband was so good looking and we’d make really good looking babies. I sort of laughed and said something like, I hope so! So then she starts on the baby stuff – “you don’t have any yet do you?” “Do you even want children? My sister in law doesn’t want them.” I’m just sort of smiling and keep saying something like, I hope so, someday, etc. So then she wants to know if we’re thinking soon? I again respond with “oh well, we hope so.” So then she tells me, “Well, you know the key to it is that you need to relax. If you stress at all, it won’t happen. Oh, and the other trick is to make sure your husband wears boxer shorts. Also, my niece has just popped three out right in a row so I’ll have her come in and maybe some of it will wear off on you.” WHAT?
Monday, April 7, 2008
Care package
I read about this idea online this weekend and am going to create one for myself. Really, you could do this for any sort of rainy day. Basically you get a box and create a care package for yourself - including books, magazines, inspirational messages, gift certificate for shopping or manicure/pedicure, etc. Decorate the box if you want, and then put it up in a closet. When you're having an emotional/bad day, go get your care package and get something out of it to help make you feel better. I was thinking that if I did this, I might not turn to food as much. And while I could just run out and go get these things when I'm feeling bad, it would be nice to already have some stuff so I wouldn't have to leave if I didn't want to.
So, any suggestions of what to include? So far I've come up with:
a trashy romance novel
an entertainment magazine
a gift certificate for a pedicure
I'm also going to have Jason add some things so that there will be some surprises whenever I need to get into the box.
So, any suggestions of what to include? So far I've come up with:
a trashy romance novel
an entertainment magazine
a gift certificate for a pedicure
I'm also going to have Jason add some things so that there will be some surprises whenever I need to get into the box.
It wasn't all bad
A few funny moments from Saturday:
When Jason goes in to do his thing, I’m usually a nervous wreck in the waiting room. I just worry that the stress/pressure will get to him, or that something just won’t go right, etc. When he came out I kept asking, “Did it go ok? How was it?” He looks at me and says, “It was fine … (long pause and then in a proud voice) …. I’ve been practicing for this my whole life!”
The other funny moment was when Irena came in after the sperm washing. She said that once again Jason’s count was great, and that this time the volume was so much that she had to split it into two things to wash it. You should have seen Jason’s chest swell with pride. I think he strutted around the rest of the day thinking to himself “I’m so awesome.”
When Jason goes in to do his thing, I’m usually a nervous wreck in the waiting room. I just worry that the stress/pressure will get to him, or that something just won’t go right, etc. When he came out I kept asking, “Did it go ok? How was it?” He looks at me and says, “It was fine … (long pause and then in a proud voice) …. I’ve been practicing for this my whole life!”
The other funny moment was when Irena came in after the sperm washing. She said that once again Jason’s count was great, and that this time the volume was so much that she had to split it into two things to wash it. You should have seen Jason’s chest swell with pride. I think he strutted around the rest of the day thinking to himself “I’m so awesome.”
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Tenaculum = torture device from hell
Below is a picture of a tenaculum. Please note the sharp pointy tips.
I have been really lucky in that my HSG and the first two IUI's were a piece of cake and not painful at all. IUI #3 this morning was awful and damn it, I'd better be PG so I don't have to do it again. They couldn't get the catheter into my cervix so she brought out a tenaculum - the torture device from hell (pictured above) - to "hold" my cervix. Thank goodness I didn't look at it beforehand because I would have run out of the room screaming. It was the most awful experience and 6 hours later I'm still traumatized. And then afterwards I had to lay there for a good 10 minutes while she kept pressure on the cervix to stop the bleeding. (I later looked into the trashcan and there was quite a bit more blood than I imagined.) How, in all of my reading, did I not know that this was a possibility? Although really, ignorance was bliss. It doesn't even hurt anymore, but the thought of it still gives me shivers. I don't ever want to go back into that room.
I have been really lucky in that my HSG and the first two IUI's were a piece of cake and not painful at all. IUI #3 this morning was awful and damn it, I'd better be PG so I don't have to do it again. They couldn't get the catheter into my cervix so she brought out a tenaculum - the torture device from hell (pictured above) - to "hold" my cervix. Thank goodness I didn't look at it beforehand because I would have run out of the room screaming. It was the most awful experience and 6 hours later I'm still traumatized. And then afterwards I had to lay there for a good 10 minutes while she kept pressure on the cervix to stop the bleeding. (I later looked into the trashcan and there was quite a bit more blood than I imagined.) How, in all of my reading, did I not know that this was a possibility? Although really, ignorance was bliss. It doesn't even hurt anymore, but the thought of it still gives me shivers. I don't ever want to go back into that room.
Friday, April 4, 2008
IUI is tomorrow
I had my last u/s and b/w yesterday. My largest follicle was a 20, which is still good. The next largest was only 13, so nothing else is really in play. My E2 went up (290) and my lining thickened some (6.7.) Neither are "great" but are much better than what we expected. Compared to last cycle, my E2 is higher, but my lining is thinner. I triggered last night, and the IUI is set up for 8:00 tomorrow morning.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Afternoon updates
My E2 was better today - 200. Still not what they want, but better. They also checked my LH and it's still low so there isn't fear of me ovulating on my own. Given that, I'm going back tomorrow for another scan, and will probably trigger tomorrow night w/ IUI on Saturday.
We now have an appointment scheduled on May 13th with Dr. Shepard. (This is if I'm not PG this month obviously.) She wants to meet with us to go over everything and talk about our next steps.
In that "next step" category, if I'm not PG this cycle we will be doing a test to check for something called MTHFR. They test for this a lot when there are recurring miscarriages. Apparently they have recently found that polymorphisms in the MTHFR gene have been associated with follicular growth in the ovary. Women with the MTHFR 1298 C allele produced fewer follicles after ovarian stimulation and had lower E2 levels. What does this mean for me? I'm not sure. They said that there is a metabolic reason that I'm not responding well, and I suppose this will give us the answer. I guess then there is maybe a way to treat it?
We now have an appointment scheduled on May 13th with Dr. Shepard. (This is if I'm not PG this month obviously.) She wants to meet with us to go over everything and talk about our next steps.
In that "next step" category, if I'm not PG this cycle we will be doing a test to check for something called MTHFR. They test for this a lot when there are recurring miscarriages. Apparently they have recently found that polymorphisms in the MTHFR gene have been associated with follicular growth in the ovary. Women with the MTHFR 1298 C allele produced fewer follicles after ovarian stimulation and had lower E2 levels. What does this mean for me? I'm not sure. They said that there is a metabolic reason that I'm not responding well, and I suppose this will give us the answer. I guess then there is maybe a way to treat it?
Another big sigh ...
Had another u/s and b/w today. My largest follicle is 18, but nothing else grew. In fact the two 12s stayed right where they were. She expected to see those at least at 13.5/14. My lining is only 6.4. We'll get the estradiol levels back later today.
It's not a lost cause, but she's not thrilled. Half the time I think she's afraid of really telling me that because she doesn't want to discourage me.
Basically my body/ovaries aren't responding the way they're supposed to. There is some sort of hormonal/chemical malfunction, and especially at my age this shouldn't be happening. If I'm not PG this month they may run some more tests.
On the estradiol levels - it does indicate the maturity of the egg, not so much the follicle. Higher E2 indicates a more mature egg. This is how I can have a nice sized follicle, but low E2. Whether the estradiol makes the egg mature, or if the mature egg produces the estradiol, I'm unclear of.
If I'm not pregnant this cycle (and let's face it, is anyone optimistic about this?) we're taking a break next month. We'll be on vacation and I don't want to deal with it. If they want to do some tests, I'm ok with that next cycle, just to get them out of the way. When we start back trying again I'll be on some different meds to see if I respond differently. Kim really feels like it's a matter of time. Eventually with injecting the hormones, my body should have a lightbulb moment and start behaving the way it's supposed to.
She said that we can plan on a total of 6 cycles of this (I'm in #2) before moving to the next step. That can change, just depending on how each cycles goes and what new things we learn.
When we started this process Jason & I were completely against IVF. Not against it in that we think other people shouldn't do it, but that it just wasn't for us and we'd adopt instead. We have slowly become more open to that option though, and if it comes to that it's going to be a hard decision to make.
We do know that for now we'll keep trying down this road. We had talked about only doing 1 more month of it and then stopping for 6 months or so, but at this point we plan to continue. Knowing me I'll change my mind again tomorrow, but that's the plan for now.
So now we just wait for my E2 back this afternoon. Maybe it will be great, and I'll get PG, and none of it will matter!
It's not a lost cause, but she's not thrilled. Half the time I think she's afraid of really telling me that because she doesn't want to discourage me.
Basically my body/ovaries aren't responding the way they're supposed to. There is some sort of hormonal/chemical malfunction, and especially at my age this shouldn't be happening. If I'm not PG this month they may run some more tests.
On the estradiol levels - it does indicate the maturity of the egg, not so much the follicle. Higher E2 indicates a more mature egg. This is how I can have a nice sized follicle, but low E2. Whether the estradiol makes the egg mature, or if the mature egg produces the estradiol, I'm unclear of.
If I'm not pregnant this cycle (and let's face it, is anyone optimistic about this?) we're taking a break next month. We'll be on vacation and I don't want to deal with it. If they want to do some tests, I'm ok with that next cycle, just to get them out of the way. When we start back trying again I'll be on some different meds to see if I respond differently. Kim really feels like it's a matter of time. Eventually with injecting the hormones, my body should have a lightbulb moment and start behaving the way it's supposed to.
She said that we can plan on a total of 6 cycles of this (I'm in #2) before moving to the next step. That can change, just depending on how each cycles goes and what new things we learn.
When we started this process Jason & I were completely against IVF. Not against it in that we think other people shouldn't do it, but that it just wasn't for us and we'd adopt instead. We have slowly become more open to that option though, and if it comes to that it's going to be a hard decision to make.
We do know that for now we'll keep trying down this road. We had talked about only doing 1 more month of it and then stopping for 6 months or so, but at this point we plan to continue. Knowing me I'll change my mind again tomorrow, but that's the plan for now.
So now we just wait for my E2 back this afternoon. Maybe it will be great, and I'll get PG, and none of it will matter!
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