Struggling

Our weekend was ok – Saturday we went down to Bloomington and went to Oliver Winery with my brother and his girlfriend. Then we spent some time with Jason’s parents, and then went to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. Sunday I stayed in bed all day, crying mostly.

It's like I have 2 very distinct parts of me right now. Yes, we’re excited about adopting, but I get overwhelmed with feelings of grief when I think about not being pregnant. I know that’s not the most important part. I know that. But the thought of not getting to experience it, not getting to know that joy that there is a life growing inside me, not feeling the baby kick, not having a baby that looks like us – it kills me. And it’s not just me – Jason is going to miss out on those things too. I know he was looking forward to putting his hands on my belly to feel a baby, and talking to the baby, and taking care of us.

I know that adoption is right for us because deep down, for both of us, the worst part would be not having a child at all. But I can’t tell you how defeated I feel right now that we aren’t going to be the ones to create that child. And then I feel guilty for being upset – like if I’m upset about it then maybe we’re not ready to adopt. So anyways, that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve sort of been avoiding talking to people mostly because I think I make everyone uncomfortable and it’s not like anyone can really say anything to make it better.

Truly, we are excited about the path we're about to go down. We should be getting our packet from the agency in the mail sometime this week and I'm excited to get started on it.

It's just dealing with the other part that sucks.

Our journey will be going down a different path

We found out on Wednesday (and confirmed on Friday) that I'm not pregnant. While a portion of me is sad/bitter/devastated, another part is beyond excited for the road we'll be going down.

Still, we'll need some time to deal with this blow. I'll update more later.