Christmas Eve was hard. Being at church is hard enough, being at a church that my dad grew up going to even harder, and hearing the most adorable little 4 year old sing Silent Night, while his dad sat in front of me video taping him, pushed me over the edge.
I've realized that it's not so much babies anymore that upsets me. It's the little kids, it's the "family" things. Will we ever have that?
Friday, December 26, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
WTF appt
We had our WTF appt yesterday (yep, it’s the “what the eff” appt.) It went ok I guess. I knew that there wouldn’t be any answers, but it still sucked to not really get any. Also, several of the nurses came in and said how sorry they were it didn’t work. I’m happy to report that I only started to cry once though.
Anyways, there are no real answers as to why it didn’t work. The embryos seemed to be great, so we’re leaning more towards something preventing them from implanting. It still could be just that we’re in the unlucky percentage that it didn’t work for, but we’d rather go with the thought that something is actually wrong. With that thought process we’ll take the time to figure out something to change before doing the FET. If we went with the attitude that we were just unlucky this time, we’d go straight to the FET without checking out other things and could potentially miss something important.
We found out some more family history of things and are looking into some of that. They took 4 vials of blood yesterday to check things like PAI-1, ANA, and a handful of other things. Some of it has to do with auto immune diseases, which seems to sort of run in the family. Something else that I might want to have checked is if I have Endometriosis. For the most part, the work around for that would be IVF –however there have been studies that not only are there physical things that Endo affects, but that it affects various levels of things that can hinder egg development and impair implantation. Dr. S doesn’t seem that interested in looking into this idea, but I may bring it up again after this round of blood work comes back. I don’t have any pain that is often associated with it, but you don’t have to. It does seem to run in my family though, so I think it might be worth looking in to.
There is still the problem of why I don’t respond to the hormones well and only produce a small number of follies. We’re not really looking at that, or how to change the stimming protocol, because Jason and I aren’t sure if we’ll do another fresh IVF cycle or not. It just depends on a lot of things and we’ll have to decide where it’s best for our money to go.
So that’s our update – nothing much to report really.
Anyways, there are no real answers as to why it didn’t work. The embryos seemed to be great, so we’re leaning more towards something preventing them from implanting. It still could be just that we’re in the unlucky percentage that it didn’t work for, but we’d rather go with the thought that something is actually wrong. With that thought process we’ll take the time to figure out something to change before doing the FET. If we went with the attitude that we were just unlucky this time, we’d go straight to the FET without checking out other things and could potentially miss something important.
We found out some more family history of things and are looking into some of that. They took 4 vials of blood yesterday to check things like PAI-1, ANA, and a handful of other things. Some of it has to do with auto immune diseases, which seems to sort of run in the family. Something else that I might want to have checked is if I have Endometriosis. For the most part, the work around for that would be IVF –however there have been studies that not only are there physical things that Endo affects, but that it affects various levels of things that can hinder egg development and impair implantation. Dr. S doesn’t seem that interested in looking into this idea, but I may bring it up again after this round of blood work comes back. I don’t have any pain that is often associated with it, but you don’t have to. It does seem to run in my family though, so I think it might be worth looking in to.
There is still the problem of why I don’t respond to the hormones well and only produce a small number of follies. We’re not really looking at that, or how to change the stimming protocol, because Jason and I aren’t sure if we’ll do another fresh IVF cycle or not. It just depends on a lot of things and we’ll have to decide where it’s best for our money to go.
So that’s our update – nothing much to report really.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Stages
And for the 3rd post of the night ...
One day at a time - that's how we've gotten through this week. And it's gotten easier each day. It may sound like a bizarre thought, but it really is like a grieving process. In a way I almost feel bad comparing it, but on a different scale it's much of the same feelings as when my dad died. Really the whole infertility process has been like this, month after month. You get so hopeful that it will work, that you'll finally find out you're going to be a mom. And then each month that dream is taken away from you. You have to deal with that loss (because really, that's what it feels like each month) and pick yourself back up again. Then do it all over again the next month.
- Shock & Denial - both when I realized becoming a mom wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it would be, and this week when I realized our IVF didn't work and the little embryos didn't stick. The morning we found out, we both went back to sleep afterwards. I woke back up a few hours later and was convinced it must have been a bad dream and we just hadn't tested yet and it would be positive.
- Pain & Guilt - this was a big one for me this week. Pain obviously - Jason and I were both so heartbroken when we saw that negative. I don't even know how to explain - we want this so badly and it just seems there taunting us, barely out of reach. Will it ever work? Will we ever hold a baby that has my eyes and his nose?
On the guilt side - I keep wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. Those embryos were alive and doing well before we put them in. It was my body that wouldn't let them stick. It's my body that is the cause of all of this. It's my body that won't let Jason be a daddy, when he so desperately wants to be one and I know will be fantastic at it.
- Anger and Bargaining - through this whole process I've had times of anger and bitterness. Why me? Why are so many people able to get pregnant easily and I can't? Why, why, why? I get mad at Jason sometimes, for no reason, other than that I need someone to be mad at. I get mad at Dr. S and Kim because they can't fix it. I get mad at my mom and Jason's mom because they are so positive and SO sure it's going to happen. I get mad at God. Why on top of my dad dying do I have to deal with this? What did I do wrong?
For the bargaining, I've sort of done this all along and I think it goes along with the things I feel guilty about - if I make these changes for next time it might work - maybe if I go to church more, maybe if I keep the house cleaner, cook better dinners, work longer hours, etc.
- Depression - enough said. I'm so sad about it, how can I not feel depressed? Mostly this week I've wanted to keep to myself (or with just Jason), avoid all friends. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all hope, and don't even want to try the FET cycle (frozen embryo transfer.)
- Acceptance - one form of acceptance would be to accept living child free. We are completely not there, nor will we ever be. Another form is to accept we won't have our own biological child. It's a possibility that we'll have to gain that acceptance but not yet.
The acceptance that I'd say I'm struggling with now is to accept that this IS happening to me. I've been dealt these cards, I'm going down this path, whether we like it or not. Sometimes I read the quote at the top of the blog and think I'm to this stage. Other times I just want to ask "why, why, why" (see above) and realize that I'm not really there yet. Even if I was, because it's such a cyclical thing, I know I'll just go through it all again next month.
To end this rambling post, I found two quotes today that spoke to me:
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
"Fuck you infertility, I'll beat you. You watch!"
One day at a time - that's how we've gotten through this week. And it's gotten easier each day. It may sound like a bizarre thought, but it really is like a grieving process. In a way I almost feel bad comparing it, but on a different scale it's much of the same feelings as when my dad died. Really the whole infertility process has been like this, month after month. You get so hopeful that it will work, that you'll finally find out you're going to be a mom. And then each month that dream is taken away from you. You have to deal with that loss (because really, that's what it feels like each month) and pick yourself back up again. Then do it all over again the next month.
- Shock & Denial - both when I realized becoming a mom wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it would be, and this week when I realized our IVF didn't work and the little embryos didn't stick. The morning we found out, we both went back to sleep afterwards. I woke back up a few hours later and was convinced it must have been a bad dream and we just hadn't tested yet and it would be positive.
- Pain & Guilt - this was a big one for me this week. Pain obviously - Jason and I were both so heartbroken when we saw that negative. I don't even know how to explain - we want this so badly and it just seems there taunting us, barely out of reach. Will it ever work? Will we ever hold a baby that has my eyes and his nose?
On the guilt side - I keep wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. Those embryos were alive and doing well before we put them in. It was my body that wouldn't let them stick. It's my body that is the cause of all of this. It's my body that won't let Jason be a daddy, when he so desperately wants to be one and I know will be fantastic at it.
- Anger and Bargaining - through this whole process I've had times of anger and bitterness. Why me? Why are so many people able to get pregnant easily and I can't? Why, why, why? I get mad at Jason sometimes, for no reason, other than that I need someone to be mad at. I get mad at Dr. S and Kim because they can't fix it. I get mad at my mom and Jason's mom because they are so positive and SO sure it's going to happen. I get mad at God. Why on top of my dad dying do I have to deal with this? What did I do wrong?
For the bargaining, I've sort of done this all along and I think it goes along with the things I feel guilty about - if I make these changes for next time it might work - maybe if I go to church more, maybe if I keep the house cleaner, cook better dinners, work longer hours, etc.
- Depression - enough said. I'm so sad about it, how can I not feel depressed? Mostly this week I've wanted to keep to myself (or with just Jason), avoid all friends. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all hope, and don't even want to try the FET cycle (frozen embryo transfer.)
- Acceptance - one form of acceptance would be to accept living child free. We are completely not there, nor will we ever be. Another form is to accept we won't have our own biological child. It's a possibility that we'll have to gain that acceptance but not yet.
The acceptance that I'd say I'm struggling with now is to accept that this IS happening to me. I've been dealt these cards, I'm going down this path, whether we like it or not. Sometimes I read the quote at the top of the blog and think I'm to this stage. Other times I just want to ask "why, why, why" (see above) and realize that I'm not really there yet. Even if I was, because it's such a cyclical thing, I know I'll just go through it all again next month.
To end this rambling post, I found two quotes today that spoke to me:
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
"Fuck you infertility, I'll beat you. You watch!"
What's next?
Good question. We'll have a wtf (what the fuck went wrong) appointment in a few weeks. We'll talk about what to do next. We'll probably do our FET sometime in the spring - we want time away from it. And that's about all we know right now.
Playing catch up
There were so many things that I wanted to blog about during this, but just didn't feel up to it. I thought I'd go ahead and do it now to remember later.
The retrieval:
- The night before the retrieval I decided I had nothing to wear to it. Really? Who goes shopping for an outfit to wear to an egg retrieval? Oh yeah, that would be me. I ended up buying some gym pants and a matching long sleeve tshirt. (Both of which I had to remove when we got there anyways!) I did get to keep on my lucky socks though.
- I felt so bad afterwards that I didn't care much about anything. I wasn't expecting that at all. Turns out that I probably had blood pooled (based on some bloodwork they did and the fever) near my diaphragm that caused all of the pain in the shoulder and the general feeling of crappiness.
- Some pictures to remember it by: ready for my IV of fun drugs - excited and nervous about what was to come!
At home afterwards, drugged up and trying to stay in a 45 degree angle. (Later that became in a sitting up position because even the 45 degree angle hurt.)
The transfer:
- We were SO nervous going into it. (Or at least I was.) There was always a chance when we got there that we'd find out none of the embryos made it.
- Seeing the pictures of the embryos was one of the most amazing moments.
- I was completely awake and drug free during the transfer. It didn't hurt at all.
- I had to pee worse than I ever have before afterwards.
- I had to use the bed pan 3 times in about 40 minutes. Using a bed pan lying flat on your back isn't fun. Peeing while flat on your back isn't easy. Some pee felt like it was going down my back. Yuck.
Bedrest:
- It's not all that it's cracked up to be. I was so completely bored - you can only watch so many episodes of Gilmore Girls, play games of solitaire and snood, and play on the internet for so long.
- Google is not your friend. Or sometimes it is, but you really should stay away from it. Things I googled while on bed rest:
"Can you pee out your embryos?" (In reference to the bed pan experience immediately after the transfer.)
"Constipation after transfer." I was really constipated but was afraid to strain too much. Sort of along the lines of the question above, but with bowel movements.
"Should I be laying down for IVF bed rest?" I wasn't sure if sitting up or laying down made a difference.
"Pictures of 5 day blastocysts." I needed to see if mine looked as good or better than others.
"Success rates of blast transfers." This mostly got my hopes up.
"Failure of blast transfers." After my hopes were up I thought it would be best if I brought them back down.
-Thanks to Jen for bringing over dinner on Thursday night! My mom came and spent all day Friday with me, and provided our lunch and dinner.
A picture from my bedrest: Cali enjoyed it more than I did.
The 2WW:
- I tried to stay as calm and relaxed as I could. I did a pretty good job of not overanalyzing "symptoms" beause I knew most of them were from the progesterone shots anyways.
- I really didn't even have that many "symptoms" anyways. My boobs hurt most every day, and I was a little nauseaus on one day. And somewhat tired in the evenings, but I had been that way for 6 weeks so it wasn't new.
- The PIO shots weren't nearly as bad as I'd heard. The first 5 or so were a breeze, and then I had one that formed a knot under the skin. We ended up having to really be sure to move around (luckily I have a big butt) to make sure and not hit a previously injected area. Some of them bruised, some formed knots (I still have them), and for a few days I had to be careful how I leaned back against a chair. But overall they weren't that bad.
- I had a little bit of spotting - more of a brown mucus - on 9 days past the transfer. No explanation for that.
After the BFFN (big fat fucking negative):
- I threw my lucky socks away after the BFN. I toyed with the idea of cutting them up into tiny pieces first, but decided it would take up too much time.
- We had to do the PIO shots until Wednesday night.
- I got to take off the estrogen patches on Thursday.
- AF should arrive in 1-10 days from now.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone's support this week. I have the best friends!
And that's it! Every random thought that I've had in the past few weeks and wanted to blog.
The retrieval:
- The night before the retrieval I decided I had nothing to wear to it. Really? Who goes shopping for an outfit to wear to an egg retrieval? Oh yeah, that would be me. I ended up buying some gym pants and a matching long sleeve tshirt. (Both of which I had to remove when we got there anyways!) I did get to keep on my lucky socks though.
- I felt so bad afterwards that I didn't care much about anything. I wasn't expecting that at all. Turns out that I probably had blood pooled (based on some bloodwork they did and the fever) near my diaphragm that caused all of the pain in the shoulder and the general feeling of crappiness.
- Some pictures to remember it by: ready for my IV of fun drugs - excited and nervous about what was to come!
At home afterwards, drugged up and trying to stay in a 45 degree angle. (Later that became in a sitting up position because even the 45 degree angle hurt.)
The transfer:
- We were SO nervous going into it. (Or at least I was.) There was always a chance when we got there that we'd find out none of the embryos made it.
- Seeing the pictures of the embryos was one of the most amazing moments.
- I was completely awake and drug free during the transfer. It didn't hurt at all.
- I had to pee worse than I ever have before afterwards.
- I had to use the bed pan 3 times in about 40 minutes. Using a bed pan lying flat on your back isn't fun. Peeing while flat on your back isn't easy. Some pee felt like it was going down my back. Yuck.
Bedrest:
- It's not all that it's cracked up to be. I was so completely bored - you can only watch so many episodes of Gilmore Girls, play games of solitaire and snood, and play on the internet for so long.
- Google is not your friend. Or sometimes it is, but you really should stay away from it. Things I googled while on bed rest:
"Can you pee out your embryos?" (In reference to the bed pan experience immediately after the transfer.)
"Constipation after transfer." I was really constipated but was afraid to strain too much. Sort of along the lines of the question above, but with bowel movements.
"Should I be laying down for IVF bed rest?" I wasn't sure if sitting up or laying down made a difference.
"Pictures of 5 day blastocysts." I needed to see if mine looked as good or better than others.
"Success rates of blast transfers." This mostly got my hopes up.
"Failure of blast transfers." After my hopes were up I thought it would be best if I brought them back down.
-Thanks to Jen for bringing over dinner on Thursday night! My mom came and spent all day Friday with me, and provided our lunch and dinner.
A picture from my bedrest: Cali enjoyed it more than I did.
The 2WW:
- I tried to stay as calm and relaxed as I could. I did a pretty good job of not overanalyzing "symptoms" beause I knew most of them were from the progesterone shots anyways.
- I really didn't even have that many "symptoms" anyways. My boobs hurt most every day, and I was a little nauseaus on one day. And somewhat tired in the evenings, but I had been that way for 6 weeks so it wasn't new.
- The PIO shots weren't nearly as bad as I'd heard. The first 5 or so were a breeze, and then I had one that formed a knot under the skin. We ended up having to really be sure to move around (luckily I have a big butt) to make sure and not hit a previously injected area. Some of them bruised, some formed knots (I still have them), and for a few days I had to be careful how I leaned back against a chair. But overall they weren't that bad.
- I had a little bit of spotting - more of a brown mucus - on 9 days past the transfer. No explanation for that.
After the BFFN (big fat fucking negative):
- I threw my lucky socks away after the BFN. I toyed with the idea of cutting them up into tiny pieces first, but decided it would take up too much time.
- We had to do the PIO shots until Wednesday night.
- I got to take off the estrogen patches on Thursday.
- AF should arrive in 1-10 days from now.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone's support this week. I have the best friends!
And that's it! Every random thought that I've had in the past few weeks and wanted to blog.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Not pregnant
Jason and I tested yesterday and today, both of which were as negative as can be. Yesterday was 10dp5dt, or 15dpo, so we are confident in the results. (Especially after today's as well.) I'm calling Kim to try to get my beta moved to today or tomorrow to confirm and end this nightmare.
We are heartbroken, devastated, bitter, angry - any emotion that makes you either want to break something or stay in bed for a long time.
I have not thought ahead, other than just to get through today.
We are heartbroken, devastated, bitter, angry - any emotion that makes you either want to break something or stay in bed for a long time.
I have not thought ahead, other than just to get through today.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Meet our embabies! :)
The transfer went great this morning! We had 2 blasts (that's the stage we wanted them at today) that were grade A, transferred in!! We also had an early stage blast and another that was just about to that point - both of which they're freezing.
The transfer itself went fine, the worst part was that I had to pee! I had to lay flat for an hour afterwards, and ended up having to use the stupid bedpan - 3 times - guess I have a small bladder. :)
They took a picture of our embryos and are mailing it to me. We were able to see it on the viewfinder of the camera though, and I took a picture of it on my cell phone. One is a bit further along than the other and should start to hatch soon. (hatching ... wierd, right?) They are both really good though.
Here is a picture of them in me. (Also a picture taken by my cell phone.) I have the actual u/s pic, but couldn't scan it at home. They are the little white dot in the middle of the red circle.
Now we wait and pray that they snuggle in for a long while! As of this morning I am so hopeful, happy, and excited. I'm not going to lie - I'm in love with those little embryos. I'm sure I'll get back to being pessimistic (I actually prefer it that way, it's less disappointment), but for today I'm actually hopeful. :)
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
First, whatever medical mystery that has been affecting me the last few days seems to be gone. I've been nauseous, dizzy, had a fever, achy, etc. Either my body was reacting to the stress of everything, I had the flu (great timing, eh?), or maybe some wierd drug reaction. We had my blood tested yesterday to make sure no infection was going on, and that came back fine. I fell sort of worn out today, but otherwise better. (Except that my abdomen has wierd pains when I walk - sort of like it's bruised.)
I'm starting to get nervous about tomorrow! I just hope they're all doing ok still and we'll have 2 to transfer in. They don't look at them today because they don't want to disturb them while they're all nestled in their little incubator. It seems dumb, but I've become highly attached to the little embryos. If this doesn't work it's going to be awful I think. It's just that any other month, we don't know if things have fertilized and just not implanted, or never fertilized or what. It sucked when we weren't pregnant, but I don't know that I really felt like I lost something. Now we have proof that Jason and I made something that is just ours. (I'm sure people w/ babies or PG women have that thought often, but as we've never gotten that far, I'm thinking it now.) If it doesn't work, then it means they didn't make it. I'm not really into figuring out when I think life starts, etc - and I don't think I'd call them our babies yet, but they are our little embryos, and I'm attached to them.
I'm starting to get nervous about tomorrow! I just hope they're all doing ok still and we'll have 2 to transfer in. They don't look at them today because they don't want to disturb them while they're all nestled in their little incubator. It seems dumb, but I've become highly attached to the little embryos. If this doesn't work it's going to be awful I think. It's just that any other month, we don't know if things have fertilized and just not implanted, or never fertilized or what. It sucked when we weren't pregnant, but I don't know that I really felt like I lost something. Now we have proof that Jason and I made something that is just ours. (I'm sure people w/ babies or PG women have that thought often, but as we've never gotten that far, I'm thinking it now.) If it doesn't work, then it means they didn't make it. I'm not really into figuring out when I think life starts, etc - and I don't think I'd call them our babies yet, but they are our little embryos, and I'm attached to them.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Moving right along
We just got the phone call that we'll be doing a 5 day transfer. It's scheduled for 7:30 on Thursday morning. I've done so much reading on 3 vs 5 day transfers and I can't really find anything that says clear cut which is better. It makes me nervous.
By today we wanted them to be 8 cell embryos. Then they grade each one - 4 means perfect. 1 is bad. Here are mine:
By today we wanted them to be 8 cell embryos. Then they grade each one - 4 means perfect. 1 is bad. Here are mine:
12 cell - grade 3+
8 cell - grade 4
8 cell - grade 3+
7 cell - grade 3
6 cell - grade 3
4 cell - grade 2
I found pictures online of embryo development. There aren't our exact ones, but it should be what they look like. The first picture is what they all looked like on Sunday with the pronuclei. The second picture is of an 8 cell, grade 4.
So all in all, they are doing fairly well I think. Now if only I could feel better. I've been running a slight fever (100.6) off and on the past few days, and I'm sort of dizzy at the moment. Great fun.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
OMG!!! We have 6!!!
Kim just called me - they ICSIed all 8 of them, and 6 fertilized!!! 6!!!!!!! There is still so much that can happen to them between now and the transfer, but as of today we have 6!!!!! I'm in shock, total shock. As of the day of the trigger I only had 2 follies that size were mature and my E2 only indicated 2. And somehow we have 6!!!!!!
I'm so excited, but at the same time I feel like crap. My shoulders hurt beyond belief and breathing hurts like a bitch. I'm also bloated/gassy, which is such a bizarre feeling. I can't suck my stomach in!
Anyways, all of that is easy to ignore because WE HAVE 6!!!!!!!!!Saturday, November 15, 2008
Shoulder pain
So the pain is in both shoulders and a lot worse now. I called Kim and apparently it's a referred pain, from fluid that has leaked into my diaphragm. It sucks. I've taken more pain meds and am trying to sleep - we'll see if it works.
What today was like
I asked Jason to write it up from his perspective because mine was a bit scewed. Here is what he came up with.
"As we waited for them to come and get us from our private waiting room and take us into the retrieval room we chatted. Finally, after what seemed like quite a while they came and we slowly walked into the room. When we entered the room there were monitors everywhere it was dim except for the bright dentist type light above the table. As soon as we entered the room I was brushed aside and a flurry of activity ensued. Laura was helped onto the table and suddenly there were nurses everywhere. They moved her around and got her positioned and machines started whirring and beeping. Everything is monitored from oxygen level in the blood to pulse. All of the nurses worked smoothly together and each had their own job to do. As the doctor poked around while watching the ultrasound monitor another nurse was flushing and then attempting to retrieve the egg cumulus from each follicle. On the screen, you can see the follicle swell and then shrink as each part of that process is completed. As they fill up vials with fluid from the follicles they pass them through a small window to another nurse who checks them for eggs. They don't determine the quality of the eggs just the quantity. After retrieving 8 of them they call it a success and quickly withdraw all of the tools. The doctor dabs any blood or fluid away and then Laura is carefully moved onto the bed she was originally laying in and rolled into our private room. After some funny conversations with her (she was given an amnesiac) where she repeats the same things over and over, we are required to stay for at least an hour before we can leave. And that's what happened. "
He pretty much got the whole thing. Some things he left out, or didn't know:
I was changed into a hospital gown when we got there and they even gave me socks to wear (although I of course wore my lucky ones.) Dr. S came in and talked to us, and we signed more consent forms as we waited. Jason had already provided his stuff right off the bat. He said they got new "movies" and I think was quite pleased with himself.
It was pretty scary when we got into the room they did the procedure. There were about 5 in there who moved around really quickly and got me positioned. I was on a table with some holder things that my knees went in, up in the air. They covered me up with a blanket because it was cold. The light above me was creepy. One of those big lights that looks like a bunch of smaller ones all together. You know in movies when someone comes back to life and the first thing they see is a light overhead - that's what it looked look. The anesthesiologist started the meds and I felt them really quickly. There were various times times they had to increase the pain meds. I vaguely was aware of what was going on, but couldn't really focus enough to watch it on the screen. Jason sat next to me and rubbed my wrist/hand the entire time and kept remind me to breathe.
As Dr. S went into the left ovary she hit a blood vessel (can be common) so they had to put pressure on that at the end to stop the bleeding. I still am a little bit.
I cried a little bit at the end and Jason said he did some too. They brought in the bed I was originally in and got me transferred to it, and then got some awesome fishnet panties with a pad in them on me. Awesome fashion statement.
I've been in bed since I got home, trying to stay at a 45 degree angle - there are about 10 pillows surrounding me. :) My lower belly hurts off and on, especially if I cough or sneeze. My shoulders also hurt quite a bit. Something about an air pocket? It hurts to breathe and isn't fun. I've gotten really nauseous once and had the most bizarre experience when I got up. I got really dizzy, sort of clammy, and my head felt hot/cold all at the same time. I got really pale also and shaky. My mom said it's a response to all the different meds. (On top of what I was on there, I've taken some pain meds and an anti-nausea med.)
So now I'm watching Rent in bed. :) And praying so much that some of those eggs fertilize.
"As we waited for them to come and get us from our private waiting room and take us into the retrieval room we chatted. Finally, after what seemed like quite a while they came and we slowly walked into the room. When we entered the room there were monitors everywhere it was dim except for the bright dentist type light above the table. As soon as we entered the room I was brushed aside and a flurry of activity ensued. Laura was helped onto the table and suddenly there were nurses everywhere. They moved her around and got her positioned and machines started whirring and beeping. Everything is monitored from oxygen level in the blood to pulse. All of the nurses worked smoothly together and each had their own job to do. As the doctor poked around while watching the ultrasound monitor another nurse was flushing and then attempting to retrieve the egg cumulus from each follicle. On the screen, you can see the follicle swell and then shrink as each part of that process is completed. As they fill up vials with fluid from the follicles they pass them through a small window to another nurse who checks them for eggs. They don't determine the quality of the eggs just the quantity. After retrieving 8 of them they call it a success and quickly withdraw all of the tools. The doctor dabs any blood or fluid away and then Laura is carefully moved onto the bed she was originally laying in and rolled into our private room. After some funny conversations with her (she was given an amnesiac) where she repeats the same things over and over, we are required to stay for at least an hour before we can leave. And that's what happened. "
He pretty much got the whole thing. Some things he left out, or didn't know:
I was changed into a hospital gown when we got there and they even gave me socks to wear (although I of course wore my lucky ones.) Dr. S came in and talked to us, and we signed more consent forms as we waited. Jason had already provided his stuff right off the bat. He said they got new "movies" and I think was quite pleased with himself.
It was pretty scary when we got into the room they did the procedure. There were about 5 in there who moved around really quickly and got me positioned. I was on a table with some holder things that my knees went in, up in the air. They covered me up with a blanket because it was cold. The light above me was creepy. One of those big lights that looks like a bunch of smaller ones all together. You know in movies when someone comes back to life and the first thing they see is a light overhead - that's what it looked look. The anesthesiologist started the meds and I felt them really quickly. There were various times times they had to increase the pain meds. I vaguely was aware of what was going on, but couldn't really focus enough to watch it on the screen. Jason sat next to me and rubbed my wrist/hand the entire time and kept remind me to breathe.
As Dr. S went into the left ovary she hit a blood vessel (can be common) so they had to put pressure on that at the end to stop the bleeding. I still am a little bit.
I cried a little bit at the end and Jason said he did some too. They brought in the bed I was originally in and got me transferred to it, and then got some awesome fishnet panties with a pad in them on me. Awesome fashion statement.
I've been in bed since I got home, trying to stay at a 45 degree angle - there are about 10 pillows surrounding me. :) My lower belly hurts off and on, especially if I cough or sneeze. My shoulders also hurt quite a bit. Something about an air pocket? It hurts to breathe and isn't fun. I've gotten really nauseous once and had the most bizarre experience when I got up. I got really dizzy, sort of clammy, and my head felt hot/cold all at the same time. I got really pale also and shaky. My mom said it's a response to all the different meds. (On top of what I was on there, I've taken some pain meds and an anti-nausea med.)
So now I'm watching Rent in bed. :) And praying so much that some of those eggs fertilize.
8 eggs!
They got 8 eggs! We don't know much about them, and they aren't necessarily all mature, but still pretty exciting. I cried. :) Now we hold our breath and wait until tomorrow to see if any fertilize.
I'll probably write more later but the pain meds are kicking in a bit and I'm sleepy.
I'll probably write more later but the pain meds are kicking in a bit and I'm sleepy.
5am
So it's 5:30 am on Saturday and I can't sleep - I've been up since 5. I didn't need to wake up until 7:30. I'm just so very nervous, so I thought I'd blog. :)
Yesterday was a nervous day too. I actually threw up (more like dry heaving) from the nerves. I worked until about 2, trying my best to concentrate, and then finally gave up. I stopped by to visit my friend Laura, and then went to JC Pennys to find something to wear today. Yes, I went shopping for an outfit to wear to my egg retrieval. Nothing fancy - just some gym pants and a long sleeve tshirt. I came home and modeled it for Jason asking if it screamed "good eggs." He said yes, so now with my lucky socks I have a lucky outfit. Then I found a fun "good eggs" gift in the mail from Anna, got Gilmore Girls from Anne, talked to Kim, and my mom came over to help me fold some laundry.
The phone call from Kim helped me quite a bit. We went through what all will happen today in detail. I found out that if we get NO mature eggs (which she says won't happen) that we'll get quite a bit of our money back. They have it all broken down into different steps and we don't have to pay for what doesn't happen. So if there are no mature eggs, Jason won't have to do his thing, they won't need fertilized, etc. That made me feel a little better and it means that if that happens we can probably try again.
Anyways, onto the procedure. I'll be given an IV with Versed which is an amnesiac. It will "produce sleepiness/drowsiness, relieve anxiety, and can produce unconciousness." I think I'll be concious, but hopefully in a lala land. With the amnesiac quality, I probably won't remember much of it afterwards, which is a bizarre thought. I'll be awake and know what's going on, but won't remember it afterwards. I'll also be given Fentanyl. I looked this one up and it says that it has the potency approximately 81 times that of morphine. This makes me a very very happy person and has taken my anxiety level down a bunch.
Jason will be in the room with me for the actual ER. It will be done by guide of an ultrasound. It's the same vaginal ultrasound that I always have, but it has a guide attached to it, that the needle goes through. Dr. S will stick the needle into a follicle, and suck out all the fluid (and hopefully an egg) into a little tube. She'll pass that off to someone who will stick it through a window into the lab. They'll dump it into a dish and look for the egg. If they've found it, Dr. S will move to the next follicle. If they haven't, then she'll push fluid back into that follicle and suck it all out again. Sort of to rinse it and make sure she got the egg. Kim says she'll do this until she's gotten the egg out. Then move to the next follicle and repeat.
Since I don't have the potential of that many, I don't think it will take too terribly long. Then I'll be in recovery for 3-4 hours, sometime during which Jason will go do his thing.
So that's what I'm doing today! I'm annoying Jason with the typing sounds so I'm going to try to get some more sleep.
Yesterday was a nervous day too. I actually threw up (more like dry heaving) from the nerves. I worked until about 2, trying my best to concentrate, and then finally gave up. I stopped by to visit my friend Laura, and then went to JC Pennys to find something to wear today. Yes, I went shopping for an outfit to wear to my egg retrieval. Nothing fancy - just some gym pants and a long sleeve tshirt. I came home and modeled it for Jason asking if it screamed "good eggs." He said yes, so now with my lucky socks I have a lucky outfit. Then I found a fun "good eggs" gift in the mail from Anna, got Gilmore Girls from Anne, talked to Kim, and my mom came over to help me fold some laundry.
The phone call from Kim helped me quite a bit. We went through what all will happen today in detail. I found out that if we get NO mature eggs (which she says won't happen) that we'll get quite a bit of our money back. They have it all broken down into different steps and we don't have to pay for what doesn't happen. So if there are no mature eggs, Jason won't have to do his thing, they won't need fertilized, etc. That made me feel a little better and it means that if that happens we can probably try again.
Anyways, onto the procedure. I'll be given an IV with Versed which is an amnesiac. It will "produce sleepiness/drowsiness, relieve anxiety, and can produce unconciousness." I think I'll be concious, but hopefully in a lala land. With the amnesiac quality, I probably won't remember much of it afterwards, which is a bizarre thought. I'll be awake and know what's going on, but won't remember it afterwards. I'll also be given Fentanyl. I looked this one up and it says that it has the potency approximately 81 times that of morphine. This makes me a very very happy person and has taken my anxiety level down a bunch.
Jason will be in the room with me for the actual ER. It will be done by guide of an ultrasound. It's the same vaginal ultrasound that I always have, but it has a guide attached to it, that the needle goes through. Dr. S will stick the needle into a follicle, and suck out all the fluid (and hopefully an egg) into a little tube. She'll pass that off to someone who will stick it through a window into the lab. They'll dump it into a dish and look for the egg. If they've found it, Dr. S will move to the next follicle. If they haven't, then she'll push fluid back into that follicle and suck it all out again. Sort of to rinse it and make sure she got the egg. Kim says she'll do this until she's gotten the egg out. Then move to the next follicle and repeat.
Since I don't have the potential of that many, I don't think it will take too terribly long. Then I'll be in recovery for 3-4 hours, sometime during which Jason will go do his thing.
So that's what I'm doing today! I'm annoying Jason with the typing sounds so I'm going to try to get some more sleep.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Triggering tonight - feel like it's such a waste
Kim called and my E2 is now 687. They think that I should go ahead and trigger tonight, with the ER on Saturday. Obviously I'm always a crappy responder, but this is probably the best I've ever had. I just feel like it's such a waste. I felt like I should stim again tonight and in the morning (I do the shots 2x day) and see where we're at. My E2 went up from 253 to 687 over the last 2 days so they feel like this shows that the 2 18's are really good. They think that if they wait another day we run the risk of those 18's ending up post mature and there is no guarantee that the others will mature. And I could ovulate on my own. In the next breath though they tell me that those 14's could catch up by Saturday and not to count them out.
I keep getting the quality vs quantity speech. She said they just don't know that I'll ever respond much better than this, they think that the 18's are really good ones, and that doing this will tell us so much more than what we already know. Seems like an awfully expensive diagnostic test.
I'm just so upset and frustrated. I wanted to be excited when we got to our ER, but I just feel like it's a waste and we won't get anything out of it. This sucks.
I keep getting the quality vs quantity speech. She said they just don't know that I'll ever respond much better than this, they think that the 18's are really good ones, and that doing this will tell us so much more than what we already know. Seems like an awfully expensive diagnostic test.
I'm just so upset and frustrated. I wanted to be excited when we got to our ER, but I just feel like it's a waste and we won't get anything out of it. This sucks.
So nervous!
So I'm dying of nervousness right now. Lining today was 8.8 (yay!), follies were 18.5, 18, 15, 14.5, 13.5, 13, then some 11's through 8's. I think anyways. I've done really well this cycle at not requesting copies of everything and just trying to trust them. Anyways, now we're waiting on my E2 and they also were checking my LH to make sure that hasn't started to surge on it's own. If that is still ok, then we'll continue shots tonight and in the morning and I'll be checked again and probably trigger tomorrow night. Eek!!! I just hope my E2 has gone up. I really think it has to, because I finally started noticing EW mucus last night and typically that happens when my lining thickens and my E2 goes up.
So I now wait impatiently for the phone call.
So I now wait impatiently for the phone call.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Some improvement
My estradiol went up! Kim called yesterday afternoon and it's now at 250. I think that if you ignore the fact that I have stimmed for 8 days already, and just look at the E2, lining, and follie size - it all looks ok. What I mean by that is that I think they all are together where they should be. There were times that I had much bigger follicles, but still with my lining and E2 where it is now. So I feel like maybe everything is just moving slowly together and that's not so bad.
Also, I learned a lesson yesterday. You know the girl from the message board that I mentioned I was so jealous of because after 8 days of stimming she had 15-20 follies, and an E2 of 3600? I so badly wanted to be like her and was upset that my response was so much lower. She posted yesterday though - they had to cancel her cycle yesterday! She was supposed to trigger last night but her E2 was suddenly over 6000 and that can be dangerous. I feel so very awful for her. It also goes to show that higher numbers aren't always better, people respond differently, and I should be happy with my slow progress.
Also, I learned a lesson yesterday. You know the girl from the message board that I mentioned I was so jealous of because after 8 days of stimming she had 15-20 follies, and an E2 of 3600? I so badly wanted to be like her and was upset that my response was so much lower. She posted yesterday though - they had to cancel her cycle yesterday! She was supposed to trigger last night but her E2 was suddenly over 6000 and that can be dangerous. I feel so very awful for her. It also goes to show that higher numbers aren't always better, people respond differently, and I should be happy with my slow progress.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I'm convinced my body hates me.
I wouldn't say that things are awful yet, and there has been no talk of canceling, but it just seems that nothing ever really goes the way it's supposed to. I'm a "slow responder", "poor responder", have "resistant ovaries." What the hell does all of this mean? And WHY WHY WHY???
Had another u/s this morning. The follies have grown, so that’s good I guess. They are roughly 13, 11, 11, 11, 9, 9, 8, 6, and 4. So 9 still, although that 6 and 4 probably won’t catch up. It’s just so hard to not compare to other people, or even myself in previous cycles. There is a girl from my message board who had her appt yesterday that was the same as mine today. She had 15-20 follies that were getting close, and her estradiol was 3600! I don’t know what my E2 is yet today, but I found out that on Saturday it was only 58. 58?!? Even if you compare it to previous cycles, it was higher than that on that day. Even compared to my friend Andrea who was also a slower stimmer (13 days total) it was much lower. She thinks that with the follies growing we’ll see an increase today, but I’m not exactly optimistic at this point. My lining was just over 6, which makes me think my E2 won’t be very high. I guess though, compared to the follies, it might be ok. If only my body would wake up and respond!! Argh.
So now I’m back at work with the ever present headache, the ever present need to cry, and the ever present urge to curl up into a ball for the next however many weeks.
Maybe we should stop and use that money to run away to a tropical island.
Had another u/s this morning. The follies have grown, so that’s good I guess. They are roughly 13, 11, 11, 11, 9, 9, 8, 6, and 4. So 9 still, although that 6 and 4 probably won’t catch up. It’s just so hard to not compare to other people, or even myself in previous cycles. There is a girl from my message board who had her appt yesterday that was the same as mine today. She had 15-20 follies that were getting close, and her estradiol was 3600! I don’t know what my E2 is yet today, but I found out that on Saturday it was only 58. 58?!? Even if you compare it to previous cycles, it was higher than that on that day. Even compared to my friend Andrea who was also a slower stimmer (13 days total) it was much lower. She thinks that with the follies growing we’ll see an increase today, but I’m not exactly optimistic at this point. My lining was just over 6, which makes me think my E2 won’t be very high. I guess though, compared to the follies, it might be ok. If only my body would wake up and respond!! Argh.
So now I’m back at work with the ever present headache, the ever present need to cry, and the ever present urge to curl up into a ball for the next however many weeks.
Maybe we should stop and use that money to run away to a tropical island.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Worthless day
I knew that when I woke up with a headache this morning I should have just stayed in bed. It never went away and I had such a hard time getting work done. Not to mention I'm incredibly nervous about my appt tomorrow morning. I just hope the follies have grown and that maybe, just maybe, more will show up. I had a dream (nightmare?) last night that the ones I had all shrunk. I don't even know if that's possible, but if it is, watch it happen to me.
So keep your fingers crossed for me around 9 am on Tuesday!
So keep your fingers crossed for me around 9 am on Tuesday!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Saturday's appt
I had 4 follies, all roughly 8 in my left ovary and then 2 the same size in my right and 3 smaller ones. So 9 total. She said that she didn't think I'd develop anymore, but hopefully I'll end up with those 9. I was pretty disappointed and started crying. She said that she knows I've read on message boards where people have a lot more, but that you don't have to. I just keep remembering during my IVF consult they said that they wanted 10-15. I'm trying not to panic too much yet. We have another u/s on Tuesday and I guess that will tell us more then. I just don't understand how some people can be on low doses of stuff and here I am on 300 of Repronex (4 vials, which at least seems like a lot to me) and don't have much of a response at all. I actually just went and looked at my response on the lepori (generic repronex) on around this same day, and I tended to have 7-8 follicles even then, and some were bigger! Now I'm on the real stuff, more of it, and it's worse? Although I guess the plus is that they're mostly the same size now, instead of one or two being bigger. Argh, this is just so frustrating. She did say that I had I stayed on Lupron they probably would have been even smaller.
Oh, and the full feeling I was having? While I know part of it is ovary related, I'm pretty sure I'm also constipated. (Lovely to know, eh?) Can I blame this one IF too? (Actually maybe I can - I figure it's because my diet has been crap lately (poor choice of words) and that I can blame on the stress which can be blamed on IF. :)
Anyways, I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday. Truthfully, I came home yesterday, got back into some pjs and stayed in them all day. (I also managed to read book 3 AND 4 of the Twilight series!) Then I got an email back from my friend Andrea and felt much better. She reassured me that some people just start slow but that doesn't mean it won't work. I also don't need to have 20 follies for it to work. She had 8 total, 5 of which fertilized, and is now expecting a little boy.
So I'll go back on Tuesday and we'll see!
Oh, and the full feeling I was having? While I know part of it is ovary related, I'm pretty sure I'm also constipated. (Lovely to know, eh?) Can I blame this one IF too? (Actually maybe I can - I figure it's because my diet has been crap lately (poor choice of words) and that I can blame on the stress which can be blamed on IF. :)
Anyways, I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday. Truthfully, I came home yesterday, got back into some pjs and stayed in them all day. (I also managed to read book 3 AND 4 of the Twilight series!) Then I got an email back from my friend Andrea and felt much better. She reassured me that some people just start slow but that doesn't mean it won't work. I also don't need to have 20 follies for it to work. She had 8 total, 5 of which fertilized, and is now expecting a little boy.
So I'll go back on Tuesday and we'll see!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Ovaries in overdrive
At least that's what it feels like anyways! It's a hard feeling to describe, but mostly my ovaries feel "there." I'm not in pain, and not all that uncomfortable yet, but I can tell something is going on. I can feel them when I'm walking/sitting down/etc. I guess it's a full/bloated feeling, and it mostly just happened overnight. I'm actually pretty excited about it - finally, some action!
This is earlier than I've felt like this before in a cycle, so I'm hoping they're not too active. Although really, we WANT more to happen than previous cycles, so maybe it's a good thing.
I can't wait until my appt tomorrow! Just watch though - this is all in my head and we'll find hardly any follies.
This is earlier than I've felt like this before in a cycle, so I'm hoping they're not too active. Although really, we WANT more to happen than previous cycles, so maybe it's a good thing.
I can't wait until my appt tomorrow! Just watch though - this is all in my head and we'll find hardly any follies.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Stims are kicking my butt
I'm cranky, tired, can't focus, have a headache, want to cry, and lost count of the hot flashes I had last night. I thought that I'd feel worse on Lupron and that wasn't all that bad, so I was looking forward to stims. This is not better.
Maybe once I drop the Bravelle and am just on Repronex I'll feel better? I don't know, I'm probably stretching here.
Sorry for the complaining, it's just a been a long afternoon.
Maybe once I drop the Bravelle and am just on Repronex I'll feel better? I don't know, I'm probably stretching here.
Sorry for the complaining, it's just a been a long afternoon.
Monday, November 3, 2008
On to the next step
We start stims tonight!
I stopped birth control on Thursday, started my period yesterday, stopped the Lupron this morning**, and start stims tonight. I had an u/s and b/w this morning and aside from an u/s machine malfunction, all went well. (They eventually had to do the u/s where they do the PG ladies, so that was loads of fun. Obviously nothing against PG ladies at all, but it sucked waiting with a bunch of women who were super excited to see their babies on screen.)
All in all, I'm feeling ok, although things sort of turned crummy this weekend. I was PMSing big time on Saturday and was very bitchy/irritable and kept picking fights with Jason. Then yesterday afternoon I had one of the worst headaches I can remember having. I also started to feel nauseaus and have had to run to the bathroom numerous times. I don't think any of that is related to TTC, just some sort of stomach bug. Luckily some immodium is helping a little bit.
**Stopping the Lupron is probaby what makes me most nervous. From what I've read, it keeps you from ovulating early. They're concerned that it will keep me too suppressed though, so they're completely taking me off of it. I keep expressing that I'm worried about ovulating early but they don't seem to think I'll have that issue. I understand where they're coming from - my LH never seems to want to do what it's supposed to and I have to trigger to O (or I'll O late and have post mature eggs) but what if this month is different??? I'm trying so hard to "relax" and trust my doctor.
Anyways, I'm home from work today and laying in bed, where the bathroom is just a few steps away. I'm hoping this stomach thing goes away soon!
I stopped birth control on Thursday, started my period yesterday, stopped the Lupron this morning**, and start stims tonight. I had an u/s and b/w this morning and aside from an u/s machine malfunction, all went well. (They eventually had to do the u/s where they do the PG ladies, so that was loads of fun. Obviously nothing against PG ladies at all, but it sucked waiting with a bunch of women who were super excited to see their babies on screen.)
All in all, I'm feeling ok, although things sort of turned crummy this weekend. I was PMSing big time on Saturday and was very bitchy/irritable and kept picking fights with Jason. Then yesterday afternoon I had one of the worst headaches I can remember having. I also started to feel nauseaus and have had to run to the bathroom numerous times. I don't think any of that is related to TTC, just some sort of stomach bug. Luckily some immodium is helping a little bit.
**Stopping the Lupron is probaby what makes me most nervous. From what I've read, it keeps you from ovulating early. They're concerned that it will keep me too suppressed though, so they're completely taking me off of it. I keep expressing that I'm worried about ovulating early but they don't seem to think I'll have that issue. I understand where they're coming from - my LH never seems to want to do what it's supposed to and I have to trigger to O (or I'll O late and have post mature eggs) but what if this month is different??? I'm trying so hard to "relax" and trust my doctor.
Anyways, I'm home from work today and laying in bed, where the bathroom is just a few steps away. I'm hoping this stomach thing goes away soon!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Yay!
For the second evening in a row I don't feel like crawling into bed right away. :) I didn't even have to take tylenol today, so that was nice. I also didn't feel like laying my head down at my desk all afternoon. I have no idea what the difference is, except that I had a diet coke both yesterday and today. Maybe the caffeine helped wake me up.
I was feeling so motivated, that I just went and updated my public blog with my NKOTB concert review. There are some fun videos to watch. :) The Fletchers
I was feeling so motivated, that I just went and updated my public blog with my NKOTB concert review. There are some fun videos to watch. :) The Fletchers
Last day of birth control!
After being on birth control for the last 7 weeks, I'm so happy to be stopping it today! I know it served it's purpose but it just bugged me to be on it when our main thought is to have a baby, not prevent one. So I stop it today, will probably have some sort of bleeding in the next few days, and have my first appointment on Monday. Yay!
After my last post, things got worse with the Lupron. The headaches became constant (although tylenol helped) and I was even more exhausted. Jason and I were supposed to go out to dinner on Tuesday night but I pretty much went home and straight into my pjs. I was asleep by 9:15 that night and slept until 7:30. Yesterday evening I felt so much better though and we were able to go out to dinner. Hopefully today will be like yesterday. It's just so hard to want to do anything, but I've got lists a mile long!
Anyways, that's my update for now - I can't wait for Monday to really get things started!
After my last post, things got worse with the Lupron. The headaches became constant (although tylenol helped) and I was even more exhausted. Jason and I were supposed to go out to dinner on Tuesday night but I pretty much went home and straight into my pjs. I was asleep by 9:15 that night and slept until 7:30. Yesterday evening I felt so much better though and we were able to go out to dinner. Hopefully today will be like yesterday. It's just so hard to want to do anything, but I've got lists a mile long!
Anyways, that's my update for now - I can't wait for Monday to really get things started!
Monday, October 27, 2008
After 6 days of Lupron
I'm doing .... ok. Mostly I've been tired, and have had some dull headaches. Saturday was sort of a bad day - I just felt really out of sorts, very tired, blah, cranky, etc. I also had some bizarre spotting so that was fun. Yesterday was much of the same. Today I'm back to just being tired. I've actually been meaning to type this up for the past few days, but my head has just felt too tired in the evenings, if that makes any sense. I just don't feel like doing much of anything. The only other side effect I've noticed is that my face has had a few break outs, which is very weird for me.
On the shot front - those are going well. I've done them all myself after that first one and it's not a big deal at all. I've also avoiding bruising ever since that first one.
I'll be stopping the birth control later this week and then have an appt next Monday to make sure that everything is suppressed enough, and well start the stims!
On the shot front - those are going well. I've done them all myself after that first one and it's not a big deal at all. I've also avoiding bruising ever since that first one.
I'll be stopping the birth control later this week and then have an appt next Monday to make sure that everything is suppressed enough, and well start the stims!
Friday, October 24, 2008
I'll be loving you foorrreeevvveeerrr ....
As a break from all things fertility, I am going to see New Kids on the Block tonight! I am so excited about it and you know I'll cry at the concert. It's in Chicago and my mom is actually going with me - should be a fun girls weekend away!
Joey was (and still is!) my favorite. I think that they've improved their looks over the years though:
Joey was (and still is!) my favorite. I think that they've improved their looks over the years though:
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I did it!
I gave myself a shot tonight! It was so easy and didn't hurt at all. I managed to leave a pretty bruise, but otherwise it went well. I am just so very proud of myself. :) I think that I'll continue to give myself the Lupron - it helps make it not such an ordeal. Once we switch to the Bravelle and Repronex Jason will be involved again.
Only my mother
I sent pictures of my lucky socks to her last night. This morning when I was talking to her she commented on how she noticed they were pink and that could be construed that we’re just hoping for a girl. Except then she realized that the meds toolbox is blue, so that evened out and made it all ok. I really just bought pink socks because I love the color pink! Maybe I should see if there are matching blue ones and alternate. Although, like she said – having the blue toolbox evens it out and makes all right in the world.
I love my mother. :)
I love my mother. :)
One shot down, lots to go!
I think I know what my halloween costume will be this year - a human pincushion - haha.
I was so nervous last night, didn’t go to sleep until after 1, and tossed and turned the little bit I was able to sleep. I finally woke up at 6:15 with my stomach in knots. I wasn’t expecting to be quite so nervous! We’ve done shots before, so it’s not really anything new. It was just that it signified the start of this. Also, the most we ever did shots was for about 10 days, and usually just once a day. Now I’m going to be doing at least 2 shots/day for about 3 ½ weeks and then 1 shot/day for at least another 2 ½ weeks after that. That's daunting to think about. I need to just look at this as one day at a time.
Anyways, I was originally planning on giving the shot to myself this morning (these are tiny needles and they go in my stomach) but I was such a ball of nerves that I had Jason do it. I did pinch my skin together for him (luckily there is plenty of fat to grab in my stomach!) Maybe tonight I’ll do it myself, which will be such a huge accomplishment for me. These don’t hurt at all, although it did leave a little mosquito bite looking area.
I’m just so happy to have the first one over with!
I was so nervous last night, didn’t go to sleep until after 1, and tossed and turned the little bit I was able to sleep. I finally woke up at 6:15 with my stomach in knots. I wasn’t expecting to be quite so nervous! We’ve done shots before, so it’s not really anything new. It was just that it signified the start of this. Also, the most we ever did shots was for about 10 days, and usually just once a day. Now I’m going to be doing at least 2 shots/day for about 3 ½ weeks and then 1 shot/day for at least another 2 ½ weeks after that. That's daunting to think about. I need to just look at this as one day at a time.
Anyways, I was originally planning on giving the shot to myself this morning (these are tiny needles and they go in my stomach) but I was such a ball of nerves that I had Jason do it. I did pinch my skin together for him (luckily there is plenty of fat to grab in my stomach!) Maybe tonight I’ll do it myself, which will be such a huge accomplishment for me. These don’t hurt at all, although it did leave a little mosquito bite looking area.
I’m just so happy to have the first one over with!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Au revoir fun alcoholic beverages
We went to Cheeseburger in Paradise tonight and I had the "Cheeseburger in Paradise" drink. Then I came home and had a half bottle of wine. Hopefully this is the last night I'll be able to drink certain beverages until sometime late next year!
Lucky fertility socks
Hey, if something is supposed to help - I'll try it!
There is sort of an urban legend on many message boards - when you go to your appointments and put your feet in the stirrups (especially at the transfer) you're supposed to keep your feet warm. And actually, it may not be so much of an urban legend. Many acupuncturists recommend this - something about warm feet = warm uterus, which is a good thing. And while I was doing some research on it, I found that the Standford IVF program also suggests that you wear comfortable clothing to the transfer and "socks to keep your feet warm."
Enter the lucky socks. If you have to keep your feet warm, why not do it with lucky socks? It seems that many do sort of a fun mismatched sock thing, but really - am I a mismatched sock sort of girl? I think not. So, while Jason and I were out tonight, we bought some lucky socks! What makes them "lucky" you ask? Nothing, except that we say they are. They actually came with 2 pairs and at some point I'll send the second ones on to someone else who needs lucky fertility socks.
I love my socks! They are pink and warm and fuzzy. :)
There is sort of an urban legend on many message boards - when you go to your appointments and put your feet in the stirrups (especially at the transfer) you're supposed to keep your feet warm. And actually, it may not be so much of an urban legend. Many acupuncturists recommend this - something about warm feet = warm uterus, which is a good thing. And while I was doing some research on it, I found that the Standford IVF program also suggests that you wear comfortable clothing to the transfer and "socks to keep your feet warm."
Enter the lucky socks. If you have to keep your feet warm, why not do it with lucky socks? It seems that many do sort of a fun mismatched sock thing, but really - am I a mismatched sock sort of girl? I think not. So, while Jason and I were out tonight, we bought some lucky socks! What makes them "lucky" you ask? Nothing, except that we say they are. They actually came with 2 pairs and at some point I'll send the second ones on to someone else who needs lucky fertility socks.
I love my socks! They are pink and warm and fuzzy. :)
Such great friends!
I have received a lot of good luck/check-in phone calls, emails, and messages online for the start of this IVF cycle. I'm so lucky to have such a great support system and awesome friends. Thank you!!!!
All organized
I decided that I didn't want to do all of this with our shots, etc stuck in torn up brown paper bags. So we bought two small tool boxes tonight - I think I'm a bit obsessive (or as Jason says, anal retentive) sometimes.
Ready or not ...
First shot is tomorrow!
I've fluctuated between being excited and very anxious with panic attacks. It's just that we've always had IVF as a safety net. It was always there as one last thing to try. And now we're doing it. For awhile yesterday I didn't even want to start it. I wasn't seriously considering not doing it, but was in such a panic about it. Where would we be though if we never tried something because we might fail at it. (Or so my mother tells me.) :)
So I'm back to being excited about it - tomorrow morning is the first shot!
I've fluctuated between being excited and very anxious with panic attacks. It's just that we've always had IVF as a safety net. It was always there as one last thing to try. And now we're doing it. For awhile yesterday I didn't even want to start it. I wasn't seriously considering not doing it, but was in such a panic about it. Where would we be though if we never tried something because we might fail at it. (Or so my mother tells me.) :)
So I'm back to being excited about it - tomorrow morning is the first shot!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Our schedule
Ok, here is a link to my schedule just in case you're curious. You can change between October and November up at the top.
I didn't list the exact day when we'll find out if we're PG or not because a) the schedule will most likely change anyways, and b) we plan to keep the results to ourselves for at least a few days.
So anyways, here it is!
Our schedule
I didn't list the exact day when we'll find out if we're PG or not because a) the schedule will most likely change anyways, and b) we plan to keep the results to ourselves for at least a few days.
So anyways, here it is!
Our schedule
1 week away!!!
Jason and I had our 2 hour appointment today to sign contracts, go over the schedule, all of the meds, and ask tons of questions. It's made it that much more real and while I'm very excited, I'm also now so nervous that I think I might pee my pants.
We now have in our possession all of the meds, syringes, needles, alcohol swabs, cotton balls, etc. For your viewing pleasure:
And then all bagged up and semi-organized:
As soon as I can figure out an easy way to post my schedule I'll put that up here too. I have one they gave me that I thought I'd scan, but I've got chicken scratch notes all over it so I'm trying to clean it up some.
We now have in our possession all of the meds, syringes, needles, alcohol swabs, cotton balls, etc. For your viewing pleasure:
And then all bagged up and semi-organized:
As soon as I can figure out an easy way to post my schedule I'll put that up here too. I have one they gave me that I thought I'd scan, but I've got chicken scratch notes all over it so I'm trying to clean it up some.
National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Today is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you know of anyone who has lost a little one, please keep them in your prayers.
Hugs especially to Kat, Jenny, and Janet - you're all in my thoughts!
Hugs especially to Kat, Jenny, and Janet - you're all in my thoughts!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Killer cramps
I was having some pretty bad cramps yesterday afternoon, and sure enough found out that I'd started my period. I'm still on birth control, and knew that I could potentially get a period, but wasn't exactly expecting it. I dont't think that it should mess with the schedule at all, but it's still not fun.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Prayers needed
As you all know, Kim isn't just my nurse, but a good family friend as well. Without getting into it all, please send up a quick prayer for her son. (Ryan, he's 24.) He fell and hit his head and is in the ICU at Wishard now. He's making improvements but it's going to be a long road for all of them. Thanks!
Acupuncture
It was ... interesting. I'm still not that clear on what all it's supposed to do, other than make me relax (which it did!)
She started out asking questions about my cycle and decided that I have some hormonal imbalances, specifically progesterone/lining issues. (No big surprise there!) She looked at my tongue and from that told me that I liked sugar (yes, yes I do) and that it could mess with hormones. (Probably true, given the insulin thing.) She held my wrist for awhile and then told me I was tired. I haven’t been sleeping very well, so that explains that. Then the funniest part for me – she told me that I’m an anxious/nervous person. Not just about IVF, but about life in general. She hit that dead on. :)
Anyways, she had me take my shoes/socks off and lay down on a bed thing. She rolled my jeans up, unzipped them and lifted my shirt up some to see my belly. She started at the belly and put a needle in! She sort of set it there, and then taps down on it. It doesn’t hurt at all! There were about 4 in my belly, 2 or 3 in each wrist, a few on my forehead, a few at each knee, a few on each calf, my ankles, and my feet. I was definitely more aware of some than others – mostly ones on my left side. She set this warming lamp thing over my belly, and left the room. I got to listen to pretty music while laying there for 30 min. She came in every 5-10 minutes to check on me and would sort of tap on all of the needles – not sure if she was pushing them in farther or not. After the first 5 minutes or so I started to really relax and feel really heavy. After her first time in the room I didn’t even really have the willpower/desire/strength to open my eyes to look at her. I’m pretty sure that I went in and out of sleep for awhile – it was all very soothing and relaxing.
Then she came in, pulled them all out, and said that she wants to see me again before the retrieval. I think I’ll go around the retrieval and also the transfer.
So did it really do anything? I have my doubts. It DID help me relax, so I guess that’s something. I sort of felt like I do when I actually do those meditation/relaxation cds. It’s sort of a weird, relaxing your mind, fading in and out sort of feeling.
She started out asking questions about my cycle and decided that I have some hormonal imbalances, specifically progesterone/lining issues. (No big surprise there!) She looked at my tongue and from that told me that I liked sugar (yes, yes I do) and that it could mess with hormones. (Probably true, given the insulin thing.) She held my wrist for awhile and then told me I was tired. I haven’t been sleeping very well, so that explains that. Then the funniest part for me – she told me that I’m an anxious/nervous person. Not just about IVF, but about life in general. She hit that dead on. :)
Anyways, she had me take my shoes/socks off and lay down on a bed thing. She rolled my jeans up, unzipped them and lifted my shirt up some to see my belly. She started at the belly and put a needle in! She sort of set it there, and then taps down on it. It doesn’t hurt at all! There were about 4 in my belly, 2 or 3 in each wrist, a few on my forehead, a few at each knee, a few on each calf, my ankles, and my feet. I was definitely more aware of some than others – mostly ones on my left side. She set this warming lamp thing over my belly, and left the room. I got to listen to pretty music while laying there for 30 min. She came in every 5-10 minutes to check on me and would sort of tap on all of the needles – not sure if she was pushing them in farther or not. After the first 5 minutes or so I started to really relax and feel really heavy. After her first time in the room I didn’t even really have the willpower/desire/strength to open my eyes to look at her. I’m pretty sure that I went in and out of sleep for awhile – it was all very soothing and relaxing.
Then she came in, pulled them all out, and said that she wants to see me again before the retrieval. I think I’ll go around the retrieval and also the transfer.
So did it really do anything? I have my doubts. It DID help me relax, so I guess that’s something. I sort of felt like I do when I actually do those meditation/relaxation cds. It’s sort of a weird, relaxing your mind, fading in and out sort of feeling.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Update (I need more original titles)
I don't really have much to blog about because we're still in that waiting/countdown stage. We're getting closer though! We had our infectious disease testing last Saturday and I had a flu shot yesterday. Otherwise, I've pretty much just been trying to stay busy. I've been reading lots of trashy romance novels (those will take your mind off anything!) and in the last two weeks I've been to the zoo, an apple orchard, and Home-A-Rama. I had fun at all of them, although cried a bit on the way home from the first two. They were (obviously) filled with families and on the way home each time it hit me how badly I want to be able to do those things with our own kids.
Anyways, for the weekly countdown:
TODAY! - first acupuncture appointment - I'm nervous!
2 days until our pictures with Ryan Cook
6 days until our appt to go over paperwork, meds, schedule
9 days until the horse races!
13 days until I start Lupron
15 days until New Kids on the Block!
50 days until I break out our Christmas tree!
And I'm now down 17.8 lbs! Yay!
Anyways, for the weekly countdown:
TODAY! - first acupuncture appointment - I'm nervous!
2 days until our pictures with Ryan Cook
6 days until our appt to go over paperwork, meds, schedule
9 days until the horse races!
13 days until I start Lupron
15 days until New Kids on the Block!
50 days until I break out our Christmas tree!
And I'm now down 17.8 lbs! Yay!
Friday, October 3, 2008
That blog
They just posted another entry on the blog I mentioned below, and I'm not sure it's something I'm going to really read. I think the idea is a really good one, but it's bordering on too religous for me. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with it, and I'd like to think that I have a good faith, but some things are just too much and I don't enjoy them.
A new blog
One of the girls who used to be on my IF board (she's graduated to the success board and is due in 7 weeks or so) just started a new blog with her sister. Rachel (the one from my board) tried for 30 months to get PG - during which she had 2 failed adoptions and then IVF #1 that worked. Meanwhile her sister had 4 children in 5 years. They decided to start a blog to talk about the struggles that they both went through during that 30 months. I thought it sounded like an interesting idea, to see IF from both sides of it.
ME VS. YOU
Here is what she says about it:
Melissa (my sister) and I have talked a lot about the fact that we should write a book together about my infertility journey . It was definitely a long 30 months…and not just for me. We are closer than close can be. And this time in our life challenged that.
Melissa, having 4 children of her own with no problems what so ever, had no clue what it felt like to wonder “will I ever have a baby?” For along time this caused her to not be the most sympathetic supporter….not b.c she didn’t care, but b.c she was truly naive.
I, being blown away as to why it was taking so long to have a baby, tended to be hard to be around at times. I was an emotional wreck so often and was obviously very angry, hurt, upset, sad, confused and so many other things.
How do you combine these two worlds?
Melissa had no idea what she could or couldn’t say to me, b.c I had no idea what she could or couldn’t say.
Melissa did nothing wrong by continuing her family, but she knew at the same time she was causing so much grief and pain for her sister as I so desperately wanted a family of my own!
And I did nothing wrong in hurting when people around me were getting pregnant, but I was in turn hurting those that I loved.
Two “sides” bound and determined to stick together.
We do not have the time to write a book now, but a blog…that we can do! So, please visit us at our new place and if you or anyone you know falls into either of these categories…please send them our way!!
ME VS. YOU
Here is what she says about it:
Melissa (my sister) and I have talked a lot about the fact that we should write a book together about my infertility journey . It was definitely a long 30 months…and not just for me. We are closer than close can be. And this time in our life challenged that.
Melissa, having 4 children of her own with no problems what so ever, had no clue what it felt like to wonder “will I ever have a baby?” For along time this caused her to not be the most sympathetic supporter….not b.c she didn’t care, but b.c she was truly naive.
I, being blown away as to why it was taking so long to have a baby, tended to be hard to be around at times. I was an emotional wreck so often and was obviously very angry, hurt, upset, sad, confused and so many other things.
How do you combine these two worlds?
Melissa had no idea what she could or couldn’t say to me, b.c I had no idea what she could or couldn’t say.
Melissa did nothing wrong by continuing her family, but she knew at the same time she was causing so much grief and pain for her sister as I so desperately wanted a family of my own!
And I did nothing wrong in hurting when people around me were getting pregnant, but I was in turn hurting those that I loved.
Two “sides” bound and determined to stick together.
We do not have the time to write a book now, but a blog…that we can do! So, please visit us at our new place and if you or anyone you know falls into either of these categories…please send them our way!!
Countdown update
I have absolutely nothing of any interest to blog about, so I thought I'd update my countdown.
1 day until our infectious disease testing
6 days until my first accupuncture appointment
8 days until our pictures with Ryan Cook
12 days until our big appointment to go over all meds, schedule, etc
15 days until we go to the horse races at Keeneland
19 days until I start Lupron
29 days until New Kids on the Block!!
56 days until we can decorate for Christmas! (Day after Turkey Day - just thought I'd throw that in there.)
Oh, I guess one small update is that I bought all of the meds that we needed to. It ended up costing a little bit less than we expected so that was nice. Dr. Aziz Pharmacy is my new favorite place.
And I'm down 16.8 lbs! Yay! Still trying to hit 20 lbs by the time we start Lupron - I think it's doable!
1 day until our infectious disease testing
6 days until my first accupuncture appointment
8 days until our pictures with Ryan Cook
12 days until our big appointment to go over all meds, schedule, etc
15 days until we go to the horse races at Keeneland
19 days until I start Lupron
29 days until New Kids on the Block!!
56 days until we can decorate for Christmas! (Day after Turkey Day - just thought I'd throw that in there.)
Oh, I guess one small update is that I bought all of the meds that we needed to. It ended up costing a little bit less than we expected so that was nice. Dr. Aziz Pharmacy is my new favorite place.
And I'm down 16.8 lbs! Yay! Still trying to hit 20 lbs by the time we start Lupron - I think it's doable!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Meaning behind my song list
Dixie Chicks - It's so Hard
This is the song I listen to when I want to kick and scream that it's not fair. It's not an inspirational feel better type song, but it makes me feel better nontheless. I feel like I can throw a temper tantrum with it. :) My favorite part of the song:
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard
Michael Buble - Lost
This song means alot to Jason and I. It's about us, the strength we've gained, and how we're in this journey together. The chorus is:
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Until the light comes pouring through
It's when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost
Dream Big - Ryan Shupe
This is just a great, great 'feel better' inspirational type song. I'd never heard it before, but then recently drug out a cd that was a favor at a friend's wedding. This song happened to be on it. I don't even know that there is one favorite part, so here's most of the lyrics:
When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes,
'Cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile, be sure to smile wide,
And don't let them know that they have won.
And when you walk, walk with pride,
And don't show the hurt inside,
Because the pain sill soon be gone.
And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.
And when you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself,
And it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength
to help to carry on,
When the troubles come your way.
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
I have loved this song for years. Before it ever came on the radio, my brother found it online at AOL Music. It was shortly after my dad died, but we all immediately knew that this was a song that he would have loved. It ended up being a song that my brother, sister, and I all sang when we got together, jamming in the living room with the guitar and piano. What does this have to do with infertility you ask? Not much. One morning a few months ago though, Jason Mraz was playing it live on WZPL. I was having a particularly bad day, so turned it up because, like I said, I love the song. Towards the end he ended up going in to "Don't worry, be happy." I'd never heard him do that before, and as odd as it sounds, I felt like the song was speaking to me.
Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Another song that has had meaning to us for a few years. My dad loved Monty Python, and loved this song. It was the last song he played on the piano, the morning that he unexpectedly passed away. It's actually the phrase that we put on his headstone as well, because it depicts how my dad looked at life. It's just another "if you feel your life is crappy" song, that just makes me feel better. One of the verses and chorus:
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.
And...Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistle]
Michael Buble - Smile
I told you I loved Michael Buble! :) This is the song I listen to when I'm looking for strength. There are times - before going to my HS reunion when I wasn't sure how many babies/PG women there would be - or before going to a baby shower, etc - that this song gives me the strength I need to get through it. My favorite part:
smile
though your heart is aching
smile
even though it's breaking
when there are clouds in the sky,
you'll get by
if you smile
through your fear and sorrow
smile
and maybe tomorrow
you'll see the sun
come shining through for you
Kellie Coffey - I would die for that
I wasn't able to add the song on here, and I've put the lyrics on here before so won't do it again, but it completes my playlist.
This is the song I listen to when I want to kick and scream that it's not fair. It's not an inspirational feel better type song, but it makes me feel better nontheless. I feel like I can throw a temper tantrum with it. :) My favorite part of the song:
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard
Michael Buble - Lost
This song means alot to Jason and I. It's about us, the strength we've gained, and how we're in this journey together. The chorus is:
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Until the light comes pouring through
It's when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost
Dream Big - Ryan Shupe
This is just a great, great 'feel better' inspirational type song. I'd never heard it before, but then recently drug out a cd that was a favor at a friend's wedding. This song happened to be on it. I don't even know that there is one favorite part, so here's most of the lyrics:
When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes,
'Cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile, be sure to smile wide,
And don't let them know that they have won.
And when you walk, walk with pride,
And don't show the hurt inside,
Because the pain sill soon be gone.
And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.
And when you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself,
And it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength
to help to carry on,
When the troubles come your way.
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
I have loved this song for years. Before it ever came on the radio, my brother found it online at AOL Music. It was shortly after my dad died, but we all immediately knew that this was a song that he would have loved. It ended up being a song that my brother, sister, and I all sang when we got together, jamming in the living room with the guitar and piano. What does this have to do with infertility you ask? Not much. One morning a few months ago though, Jason Mraz was playing it live on WZPL. I was having a particularly bad day, so turned it up because, like I said, I love the song. Towards the end he ended up going in to "Don't worry, be happy." I'd never heard him do that before, and as odd as it sounds, I felt like the song was speaking to me.
Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Another song that has had meaning to us for a few years. My dad loved Monty Python, and loved this song. It was the last song he played on the piano, the morning that he unexpectedly passed away. It's actually the phrase that we put on his headstone as well, because it depicts how my dad looked at life. It's just another "if you feel your life is crappy" song, that just makes me feel better. One of the verses and chorus:
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.
And...Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistle]
Michael Buble - Smile
I told you I loved Michael Buble! :) This is the song I listen to when I'm looking for strength. There are times - before going to my HS reunion when I wasn't sure how many babies/PG women there would be - or before going to a baby shower, etc - that this song gives me the strength I need to get through it. My favorite part:
smile
though your heart is aching
smile
even though it's breaking
when there are clouds in the sky,
you'll get by
if you smile
through your fear and sorrow
smile
and maybe tomorrow
you'll see the sun
come shining through for you
Kellie Coffey - I would die for that
I wasn't able to add the song on here, and I've put the lyrics on here before so won't do it again, but it completes my playlist.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
My soundtrack
I figured out how to add a playlist to this blog, so if you have your volume turned up, you can listen to some music! :) If you scroll down to the very bottom you can see the list of what they are (it's not very long.) They are all ones that I've really liked listening to while going through this crap. Tonight I'll try to type up why I put each one on there, just in case anyone cares.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Terrified
I feel like I’ve been relatively calm/relaxed/optimistic/excited about our upcoming IVF, but it hit me last night how terrified I really am. I’m not so much scared or worried about the process – I’ve read up on it enough and been through similar parts of it, to know what to expect. I have a great support system and know I’ll make it through it. What I’m scared about is the after, the outcome. What if our eggs don’t fertilize? What if they do, but no embryos make it to transfer? What if they do, we put them back in, and I don’t get pregnant? What then? Unless we have some frozen embryos to use, this is it. Maybe we’ll end up at new jobs that have infertility coverage and we can try another time. Sure, maybe later down the road my body will change and by some miracle I’ll get pregnant on my own. I just have a hard time being optimistic about that, especially if one of the most invasive controlled procedures doesn’t get the job done.
So what will we do in the after? How will we handle that? How can we accept that we might not ever get the family we wanted? The rest of the world will be moving forward and we’ll be stuck in the same place. Sure, we’ll try to be that happy childless couple – do whatever we want, travel a lot, etc – but I think it will always feel like something is missing. So how will we get past that?
I know that I’ve talked about adoption before and how we were totally on board with it, and that may still be something we’ll look at later. Right now, with where I’m at, it’s not an option. You’re probably thinking that I change my mind so much on that, but as Anna once said – every time I make a decision or a plan, really, I’m just trying it on, seeing how I really feel about it. I have the right to change my mind if I don’t like how it feels. And right now, we want to have our own child.
And while I know it’s not the most important part, I won’t lie – I want to be pregnant. I want to know that a baby that Jason and I made is growing inside me. I want to experience that feeling when there is a positive pregnancy test – I want to see Jason’s face when it happens. I want to have fun announcements with it. I want the doctor’s appointments, the ultrasound to find the sex, I want to be fat. I want to feel our baby kick, I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to give birth to our child.
Sorry to be such a downer, and I’m sure I’ll get back to being optimistic, but it just hit me last night that I have no idea what we’re going to do if this doesn’t work. And like I said, it terrifies me.
So what will we do in the after? How will we handle that? How can we accept that we might not ever get the family we wanted? The rest of the world will be moving forward and we’ll be stuck in the same place. Sure, we’ll try to be that happy childless couple – do whatever we want, travel a lot, etc – but I think it will always feel like something is missing. So how will we get past that?
I know that I’ve talked about adoption before and how we were totally on board with it, and that may still be something we’ll look at later. Right now, with where I’m at, it’s not an option. You’re probably thinking that I change my mind so much on that, but as Anna once said – every time I make a decision or a plan, really, I’m just trying it on, seeing how I really feel about it. I have the right to change my mind if I don’t like how it feels. And right now, we want to have our own child.
And while I know it’s not the most important part, I won’t lie – I want to be pregnant. I want to know that a baby that Jason and I made is growing inside me. I want to experience that feeling when there is a positive pregnancy test – I want to see Jason’s face when it happens. I want to have fun announcements with it. I want the doctor’s appointments, the ultrasound to find the sex, I want to be fat. I want to feel our baby kick, I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to give birth to our child.
Sorry to be such a downer, and I’m sure I’ll get back to being optimistic, but it just hit me last night that I have no idea what we’re going to do if this doesn’t work. And like I said, it terrifies me.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Countdown!
We have so many things going on over the next month - I'm so excited and nervous!
9 days until we do our infectious disease testing
14 days until my first accupuncture appointment
16 days until our pictures with Ryan Cook
20 days until our big appointment to go over our official schedule, all of the meds, and to sign our life away
23 days until we go to the horse races at Keeneland in Lexington, KY
27 days until I start Lupron!
29 days until NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!!!! Yay!!
9 days until we do our infectious disease testing
14 days until my first accupuncture appointment
16 days until our pictures with Ryan Cook
20 days until our big appointment to go over our official schedule, all of the meds, and to sign our life away
23 days until we go to the horse races at Keeneland in Lexington, KY
27 days until I start Lupron!
29 days until NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!!!! Yay!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Just thought I’d post some updates about what’s been going on in Chez Fletcher.
-I had my insulin retested last week (yucky orange drink test) and they are now increasing my metformin. It went down from 83 (in April) to 58.4, so it’s at least improving. She said that based on when we tested it, we’d really like it to be less than 30. So they increased my dose from 1000 mg to 1500mg (3 pills now.)
-I’ve also switched from the Target prenatal to a prescription one – I guess it’s just a little better.
- We are doing our infectious disease testing sometime in the next 2 weeks.
-We have our pictures scheduled! I think I mentioned this before, but we wanted to do something that is just for us. So we’re taking them on October 11th. This gives me 19 days to lose some more weight! (Not that I’ll lose enough in 19 days to really make a difference, but if I see the scale going down, I’ll feel better.)
-On the weight loss, I’ve lost a total of 14 lbs – since May, but still exciting. I’d really like to lose 5.6 more lbs before starting IVF (exactly one month from today!)
-My high school reunion was this weekend and I’d like to think that I handled it ok. Friday night was an event at the highschool football game and it seemed (to me anyways) that everyone was either pregnant or had little kids with them. It reminds me of the way I feel when I go to weddings and see the dad walk the daughter down the aisle. I would never wish that the bride didn’t have her dad to walk with her, but I’m upset/envious that I didn’t get to. Still, I managed to get through the weekend without crying.
-We’re trying to decide where to plan a mini vacation for in December. It has to be somewhere that I can either plan last minute or somewhere that we can reserve but cancel last minute. Basically if we find out that I’m not pregnant, I want to get the hell out of dodge. And quickly. Any suggestions?
-I’m still trying to find a good acupuncture place. The one in town that I know of is so expensive so I’d really like to find someplace a little cheaper.
I think that’s it for now!
Laura :)
-I had my insulin retested last week (yucky orange drink test) and they are now increasing my metformin. It went down from 83 (in April) to 58.4, so it’s at least improving. She said that based on when we tested it, we’d really like it to be less than 30. So they increased my dose from 1000 mg to 1500mg (3 pills now.)
-I’ve also switched from the Target prenatal to a prescription one – I guess it’s just a little better.
- We are doing our infectious disease testing sometime in the next 2 weeks.
-We have our pictures scheduled! I think I mentioned this before, but we wanted to do something that is just for us. So we’re taking them on October 11th. This gives me 19 days to lose some more weight! (Not that I’ll lose enough in 19 days to really make a difference, but if I see the scale going down, I’ll feel better.)
-On the weight loss, I’ve lost a total of 14 lbs – since May, but still exciting. I’d really like to lose 5.6 more lbs before starting IVF (exactly one month from today!)
-My high school reunion was this weekend and I’d like to think that I handled it ok. Friday night was an event at the highschool football game and it seemed (to me anyways) that everyone was either pregnant or had little kids with them. It reminds me of the way I feel when I go to weddings and see the dad walk the daughter down the aisle. I would never wish that the bride didn’t have her dad to walk with her, but I’m upset/envious that I didn’t get to. Still, I managed to get through the weekend without crying.
-We’re trying to decide where to plan a mini vacation for in December. It has to be somewhere that I can either plan last minute or somewhere that we can reserve but cancel last minute. Basically if we find out that I’m not pregnant, I want to get the hell out of dodge. And quickly. Any suggestions?
-I’m still trying to find a good acupuncture place. The one in town that I know of is so expensive so I’d really like to find someplace a little cheaper.
I think that’s it for now!
Laura :)
Monday, September 15, 2008
On the schedule!
Kim just called and we got everything scheduled! Jason and I have an appointment on Oct. 15th for a few hours – we’ll have b/w done for the HIV/etc testing, and also will be going through all of the paperwork, signing our life away, etc. My retrieval is currently scheduled for Saturday, November 15th. Obviously we have to be a bit flexible with that, depending on my response and how long it takes to get enough mature follies.
With that retrieval date, my transfer date (if everything goes well and we do a 5 day transfer like they plan) is November 20th. That date might not mean much to some of you, but my dad passed away on Nov. 20th 4 years ago, so it’s a pretty big day for me. I’m not even really sure how I feel about it, but it brings up all of these emotions and makes me sort of choked up. Not in a bad way, not in a good way – just sort of an overwhelming way. It sort of would just bring things back full circle, if that makes any sense.
Like I said, it’s all semi-tentative based on how things go, and I’m going to just have to go with the flow, but still, it’s nice to know!
Laura
With that retrieval date, my transfer date (if everything goes well and we do a 5 day transfer like they plan) is November 20th. That date might not mean much to some of you, but my dad passed away on Nov. 20th 4 years ago, so it’s a pretty big day for me. I’m not even really sure how I feel about it, but it brings up all of these emotions and makes me sort of choked up. Not in a bad way, not in a good way – just sort of an overwhelming way. It sort of would just bring things back full circle, if that makes any sense.
Like I said, it’s all semi-tentative based on how things go, and I’m going to just have to go with the flow, but still, it’s nice to know!
Laura
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Big update!
(Forgive me – this will be long.)
So much for our extended break! About a week before my latest BFN Kim called me with some news. She hesitated in telling us, because she knew that we struggled with the decision to take a break and this news was going to throw a kink in the plans. Someone had donated MANY vials of Repronex to the office - and they were giving about half of them to us. Repronex is the more expensive drug, that was about the only other thing we could think to try. It's also the drug that Dr. S uses for IVF. The catch – they expire in December. Obviously this meant our break was going to be cut short – not that we’re complaining – we are SO blessed to get these drugs – roughly $4000 worth!
This lead to some interesting discussions – should we try a few more IUIs with the meds, or use them all for one IVF cycle. The answer ….
We’re doing IVF!!! We had a consult this morning with Kim, Dr. S, and some resident thrown in for more fun. They feel that we’re at the point that we need to move past the IUI’s – we did 7 of them and they obviously never worked. She thinks that IVF will increase our chances a lot, and it will also help us potentially figure out some of those iffy questions (quality of eggs, are they really fertilizing, etc.)
The original plan was that on CD21 of the cycle prior to IVF, I would start taking Lupron, to suppress things. However, my cycle isn’t regular so that potentially wouldn’t be timed out right. That meant that we were adding birth control, when I start my next period. Again, because my cycle isn’t regular, that could be too late and potentially end up conflicting with when the lab is closed around Thanksgiving. SO, I start birth control today – this should give us more control over when we start everything. We’re planning on starting the Lupron around the 3rd week of October. I’ll take that for about 10 days (I think) and then start the Repronex (with potentially a drug called Bravelle added in.) At that point she might have me stop the lupron completely. She normally has patients continue that at a smaller dose, but she's worried about my response and I think this could potentially suppress things too much? The stimming process will be much like stimming for IUI, but with more shots. I’ll have an appt every few days to check how things are going. When there are enough mature follicles, we’ll do the trigger shot.
She’s hoping that we have 12-14 mature follicles for retrieval. That will be 36 hours after I trigger, and will take place at this joint lab in Carmel. Also, I’ll be awake for it!! I thought that most people were knocked out, but the paperwork says that I will be given medication to feel drowsy, but that Jason and I will be able to watch the aspiration of the follicles on a monitor. I’ll stay there for 3-4 hours afterwards to recovery and then go home with some painkillers.
They’ll call me the next day to tell me how fertilization went. They always try to do 5 day transfers. Apparently at this point they are blastocysts and we’ll be able to pick out the better quality ones easier. If I don’t have very many or they aren’t doing as well, then I think we’ll transfer at 3 days. Starting the day of the retrieval I’ll add progesterone (in oil), and estrogen.
For the fertilization part - it sounds like they want us to do ICSI where they actually inject a sperm into each egg, rather than letting them fertilize on their own. There is another test they could run on Jason to check “binding”, which would help us determine if we need ICSI or not, but that would just cost more money, and if there are issues the answer is ICSI, which is only an additional $500 anyways. Apparently “some” studies somewhere have shown that it can sometimes decrease quality, but Dr. S said that their lab (which is where she works with Dr. Gentry and Dr. Henry, two other Indy REs) hasn’t found that.
I’ll be awake for the transfer as well, and from what I can tell it will be much like an IUI. They’ll insert a catheter through the cervix to transfer them, while watching on an abdominal ultrasound. I’m supposed to take it easy for 1-2 days afterwards. Basically bed (aka “couch”) rest – who wants to keep me company?
I have a whole calendar, listing each day and what meds I’ll be taking. I’ve already mentioned the birth control, lupron, repronex, possibly bravelle, estrogen, and progesterone. Others are: baby aspirin, antibiotics at some point, and prednisone after the transfer.
I’m going down on Monday to retest my insulin and see if we should increase the metformin. Also, Jason and I both have to do STD tests sometime in the next month. (Some rule having to do with storing frozen embryos.) And we’ll have another appointment where we fill out all sorts of consent forms, contracts, etc.
I was a little upset about starting birth control now, only because I was thinking that we’d have a hail mary, last chance, miracle break cycle BFP. Chances of that happening were slim though. So for the most part I’m really excited! It will still be awhile, but we’re starting it!
Until then, I’m trying to really watch what I eat, and exercise. I’d like to lose 8 more lbs before we actually start the process and I think that’s a realistic goal. Also, we’ve decided that sometime in October we’re going to have pictures taken of the two of us – think engagement pics I guess. I feel like it would be something that is just for us, that has nothing to do with baby stuff at all. I thought it would be a fun way to de-stress before IVF.
I’m also looking into acupuncture – some people just swear by it. Worst case, I think it would at least help on the stress/relaxing front.
So there you go – that’s what we’re doing! We are still getting somewhat of a break, as it will be another 5-6 weeks before any shots and some time after that before the appointments start.
Sorry for the novel!
Laura
Friday, September 5, 2008
On our break
Just in case anyone was wondering, I'm not pregnant. I started spotting last Sunday, and AF arrived on Wednesday. So we're on a break until further notice.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I threw away our sharps container last night and it was one of the best feelings. I really can’t tell you how relieved I feel. Regardless of the outcome, after the IUI tomorrow, it’s over for awhile. I didn’t realize how much I’d started to resent having to do all of this, and how tired/emotionally drained/frustrated I really was, until just the last few weeks. I think it’s good though – I’m not having to talk myself into taking a break – I actually WANT to. I’m obviously still going to be devastated if it doesn’t work this cycle, but am looking forward to some time off. I also have (probably unrealistic, but maybe not) hope that if it doesn’t work this cycle, maybe sometime in the extended break my body will decide to work on its own and we’ll get pregnant.
With that, I’ve decided to say goodbye to the blog for awhile. It’s been a great outlet for me and I appreciate all of the support/comments that you’ve left. It’s just time for us to take a step back and reclaim who we are. I’ve realized lately that I’ve become just an infertile woman, just a woman trying to have a baby. I am so much more than that, and it’s something that I need to remember. While in most ways going through this has made us stronger, it has also been tough on Jason and I.
So the plan is the IUI tomorrow, progesterone starting on Sunday, and then in a few weeks we’ll know. Regardless of the outcome we want some time to digest it and keep to ourselves. Either way, I promise not to leave everyone in the dark for too long. :)
If it’s not successful, we’ll be taking that break for an undetermined amount of time. I’ll stay on the metformin, and in theory after time it may actually correct my insulin/hormone issues and that may be all that it takes. I might chart/do OPKs/etc, or I might not. For once, I don’t have a set plan. (Not that my plans every actually stayed the same – I was constantly changing them.)
So again, thank you all so much! I’m so lucky to have such great friends!
Love,
Laura
With that, I’ve decided to say goodbye to the blog for awhile. It’s been a great outlet for me and I appreciate all of the support/comments that you’ve left. It’s just time for us to take a step back and reclaim who we are. I’ve realized lately that I’ve become just an infertile woman, just a woman trying to have a baby. I am so much more than that, and it’s something that I need to remember. While in most ways going through this has made us stronger, it has also been tough on Jason and I.
So the plan is the IUI tomorrow, progesterone starting on Sunday, and then in a few weeks we’ll know. Regardless of the outcome we want some time to digest it and keep to ourselves. Either way, I promise not to leave everyone in the dark for too long. :)
If it’s not successful, we’ll be taking that break for an undetermined amount of time. I’ll stay on the metformin, and in theory after time it may actually correct my insulin/hormone issues and that may be all that it takes. I might chart/do OPKs/etc, or I might not. For once, I don’t have a set plan. (Not that my plans every actually stayed the same – I was constantly changing them.)
So again, thank you all so much! I’m so lucky to have such great friends!
Love,
Laura
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
afternoon update
"Ideally I'd just like to be pregnant at the end of this cycle, but I guess I can't be picky."
I would just like to throw that statement out there because apparently it's all that it takes to get some good news. Kim just called and my E2 is the highest it's ever been - 639! She says that means there are probably 2 good ones. So even thought it took alot more drugs and 2 extra days, it has ended up an ok cycle.
I would just like to throw that statement out there because apparently it's all that it takes to get some good news. Kim just called and my E2 is the highest it's ever been - 639! She says that means there are probably 2 good ones. So even thought it took alot more drugs and 2 extra days, it has ended up an ok cycle.
Morning appt.
Appt. went ok, although stress levels are high due to some insurance/hospital stuff that we've been dealing with since my HSG in February.
The first time she measured the lining it was 7.2, which is odd because that would mean it got thinner since yesterday. She moved the wand around, measured again, and got to 9.3. They measure the thickest part, so I don't know how we'd ever get an exact, but the 9.3 would go in line with how it's been increasing the past few days.
Follicles - I have 18.7, 15.8, 15.4, and 13.4 on my right side. There are some smaller ones there, as well as 2 tiny ones in my left ovary. We didn't even measure the left ones today. That ovary was being exceptionally difficult and was painful to find. Yesterday they were only a 5 and 7 so we knew they were nothing to worry about. We'll be triggering tonight and IUI is on Friday. The 18 is definitely in play, and the 15s "could" be. So we finally got there, and there is a definite chance, but I'm not holding my breath. I guess I'm still disappointed that it took longer and more drugs to get to this point. My lining is better than it was last cycle (we think) but the follicles aren't as mature. We'll know more on that when my E2 levels come in later today. I'm not sure what number I'm hoping for. I think it's 200-300 per mature follicle that we want to see, so if for some reason I have a number in the 900s, I'll be freaking out a tiny bit. Really, I think 400-500 will be good – that would mean definitely one and possibly 2 mature ones. Ideally I guess I’d like about 600, but I can’t be picky. (Although Anne – didn’t I tell you last cycle that I couldn’t be picky but I’d like over 500 – and about 5 minutes after that I got the call that it was.) It's that fine line - I want more than one shot at it, but don't want triplets. Thank goodness this is it for awhile, I don't want to think about it anymore.
The first time she measured the lining it was 7.2, which is odd because that would mean it got thinner since yesterday. She moved the wand around, measured again, and got to 9.3. They measure the thickest part, so I don't know how we'd ever get an exact, but the 9.3 would go in line with how it's been increasing the past few days.
Follicles - I have 18.7, 15.8, 15.4, and 13.4 on my right side. There are some smaller ones there, as well as 2 tiny ones in my left ovary. We didn't even measure the left ones today. That ovary was being exceptionally difficult and was painful to find. Yesterday they were only a 5 and 7 so we knew they were nothing to worry about. We'll be triggering tonight and IUI is on Friday. The 18 is definitely in play, and the 15s "could" be. So we finally got there, and there is a definite chance, but I'm not holding my breath. I guess I'm still disappointed that it took longer and more drugs to get to this point. My lining is better than it was last cycle (we think) but the follicles aren't as mature. We'll know more on that when my E2 levels come in later today. I'm not sure what number I'm hoping for. I think it's 200-300 per mature follicle that we want to see, so if for some reason I have a number in the 900s, I'll be freaking out a tiny bit. Really, I think 400-500 will be good – that would mean definitely one and possibly 2 mature ones. Ideally I guess I’d like about 600, but I can’t be picky. (Although Anne – didn’t I tell you last cycle that I couldn’t be picky but I’d like over 500 – and about 5 minutes after that I got the call that it was.) It's that fine line - I want more than one shot at it, but don't want triplets. Thank goodness this is it for awhile, I don't want to think about it anymore.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Argh.
I am so over all of this TTC stuff. I’m STILL not ready to trigger! Lining went up some to 8.2 and follicles are at 17.4, 16.6, and 13.1. So more shots tonight and then in the morning, with another scan at 9:30. Trigger has to be tomorrow night with IUI on Friday because we’re out of meds after tomorrow morning. Besides, if they aren’t big enough tomorrow I think they’ll cancel this cycle anyways. I’m just so fed up with it all. Dr. S was in the room with Kim and I heard her say that with the follicles not being there, and with my estradiol being “appalling” that we should go another day. So then I questioned Kim about the estradiol and she said that she doesn’t like to use that word and wants to stay optimistic. Finally I had to ask what it SHOULD be. I guess if I’d had 3 growing follicles yesterday (16.5, 14, 12) they would have liked to see around 500. I had 270 or 290 yesterday. She said today that ideally they want 300 per mature when I trigger. Awesome, just freaking awesome. My ass hurts. We have to find a place that doesn’t feel bruised to do the dumb shots. I’m sick of having my blood drawn. I’m sick of driving down there. I thought we were ready for a break before the start of this cycle – now there is no question. I’m half tempted to quit now, it’s not like I really think my crap body is going to do anything this month. You just have to remind me of this when next cycle starts and I’m in an optimistic mood and want to keep trying. Who knows if I actually will be, because this is the most fed up I’ve ever felt, but I really want to take a break. I feel like my ovaries are revolting. Kim even said my left was taking a break – I have a 5 and a 7 in there. So they need a rest, I need a rest, Jason needs a rest … Not to mention that if my insulin is still high, maybe this would give it time to work itself it. This is all just a bunch of crap and I am so over it. Somebody get me a freakin’ donut.
Monday, August 18, 2008
CD11
Lining = 7.2
Follicles = 16.5, 14, 12, and a bunch of smaller ones
E2 = 271
Everything looks pretty good based on that. Ideally I'd like to have 2 mature follicles, but I'll take one. Granted, it's taken alot more drugs to get to this point but I guess I can't be too picky. So we do another shot tonight, one in the morning, and then scan again at 9am. Most likely will trigger tomorrow night.
This was a bad shot weekend for us. We started the "two-a-days" on Saturday and for whatever reason it took 3 tries to get the morning one in. That's happened one other time - I think he just wasn't pushing it as hard? It would sort of poke me, but not go through the skin. Then the shot on Saturday night bruised my rear pretty bad. You don't see a bruise, but it is so painful.
With that, I decided to count up how many shots I've had. As of right now, it's been 40 shots in my rear, and one in my stomach. I know IVF people have alot more, but still, 40 shots?!?
Follicles = 16.5, 14, 12, and a bunch of smaller ones
E2 = 271
Everything looks pretty good based on that. Ideally I'd like to have 2 mature follicles, but I'll take one. Granted, it's taken alot more drugs to get to this point but I guess I can't be too picky. So we do another shot tonight, one in the morning, and then scan again at 9am. Most likely will trigger tomorrow night.
This was a bad shot weekend for us. We started the "two-a-days" on Saturday and for whatever reason it took 3 tries to get the morning one in. That's happened one other time - I think he just wasn't pushing it as hard? It would sort of poke me, but not go through the skin. Then the shot on Saturday night bruised my rear pretty bad. You don't see a bruise, but it is so painful.
With that, I decided to count up how many shots I've had. As of right now, it's been 40 shots in my rear, and one in my stomach. I know IVF people have alot more, but still, 40 shots?!?
Friday, August 15, 2008
Resistant ovaries
So I had an u/s this morning. CD8 (last cycle was on CD7) and things are moving very slow. My lining was 4.7 (was 4.8 on CD7 last month) and my follicles were only 9.4, 8.3, 8.3, and 7.7. The others were 6.7 and under. Last month a day earlier they were 11.2, 11, 9.6, and 9.0. My estradiol was only 64 today, compared to 145 last month. We expected the low estradiol though since my follicles were smaller. The lining doesn’t bother me either, because I know we’ll have more days to stim. Kim just called and they’re bumping me up to 4 vials/day. So now I get a shot w/ 2 vials at 7am, and another with 2 vials at 7pm. Oh goody. She said that at this point we have to be more aggressive and hit it all hard. She said that we have to figure out something to do about my “resistant ovaries.” I’ll still do 3 vials tonight and start with the 4 tomorrow. I go back at 9am on Monday to see how we’re doing. Her concern is that with the 4 being semi close in size, all will take off. I have no idea what we’ll do then, but I don’t see that we have much choice at the moment. I was reading that you can stim for too long and it decreases the quality of the eggs – so that would be a possibility if we stayed at 3 vials. 4 vials we might have too many, who knows? I doubt it, but it’s a possibility. So the other option would be to cancel now, but that seems silly because we really don’t know what is going to happen. So I'm not sure if I'm depressed/anxious/optimistic/freaked out/etc by this news. I guess I just feel like we'll roll with it and see what happens.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I feel like complaining
Today is CD6. I have had a headache everyday since Monday. I am still feeling bloated and crampy - AND I'm still spotting. What the hell?
Just needed to get some of that grumpiness out.
Just needed to get some of that grumpiness out.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Weekend update
We went out on a boat on Saturday with some friends. We haven’t seen them in a year (or talked to them) and really don’t have much in common anymore. (Not that it’s all that relevant, but just pointing out that none of our real friends would be like this.) Anyways, they asked how the TTC stuff was going. (We never told them we were – Shannon used to work for Jason’s dad so last year Roland told her that he was hoping to be a grandpa soon.) Anyways, I had two different conversations about it – the first with Shannon. It ended with her telling me that it would happen when it’s meant to be/when it’s supposed to/etc. I understand the sentiment, but on CD2 it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. I held my tongue and kept the response to something like “sure, but it sucks that other women are apparently meant to be moms now and I’m not.”
So then later Jay starts talking to me about it. He’s sort of a know-it-all-nurse. He proceeds to ask me, “Do you ever think the problem is that you’re trying too hard?” Umm, no. “I’m sure if you’d just relax it would happen.” Gee thanks. And while he didn’t directly say it, he gave off the “it really hasn’t been all that long” vibe. Can I kick your ass now? He also told me that he said the same thing to a woman he works with. At first he made me feel bad, guilty almost, that we were trying so hard. Like we really were doing something wrong. Then I decided to stick up for myself and educate him, politely of course. I told him that basically it was the worst thing he could say to someone going through infertility. No, I don’t think we’re trying too hard. And don’t you think I’ve tried the relaxing thing? And that basically when he’s telling me that he’s saying that it’s MY fault, all because I’m not relaxed enough and I want it too much. Sure, stress can delay ovulation, and if people are only trying around CD14 they might have troubles. But at this point, timing is not our issue. We KNOW when I’m ovulating. Stress isn’t messing it up. Then he decides to tell me that really I should try some all natural path – he could help me with that and make sure that I’m taking all the right vitamins and minerals. Thanks, but I’ll take what my doctor tells me to take. I know that there are benefits to some of it, but he sounds like such a quack when he’s talking about it, and it pissed me off.
In other weekend news, I had my u/s and b/w yesterday and we started the Lepori last night. We’ll be adding progesterone in the 2ww this cycle. I go back on Friday for another scan. Oh, and we had my FSH tested – it came back at 5. Anything under 10 is good, so at least something is going ok.
I’ve been on such a rollercoaster all weekend. I was doing fine on Friday morning, then went a bit hysterical while talking to Kim. Got back in control, and had a massage on Friday night – which was wonderful, but I cried during it. Saturday I was mad at everyone. Yesterday I was fine until Jason gave me my shot and then was upset for a few hours. I’m scared to death that none of this is going to work. Sure, Kim is optimistic. She’s been optimistic for the last year though. She was convinced Clomid would work. My mom and Jason’s mom just know it will happen. Thanks, but where is this all knowing power coming from? I appreciate the support and hope that people have, it’s just hard to believe it myself.
So then later Jay starts talking to me about it. He’s sort of a know-it-all-nurse. He proceeds to ask me, “Do you ever think the problem is that you’re trying too hard?” Umm, no. “I’m sure if you’d just relax it would happen.” Gee thanks. And while he didn’t directly say it, he gave off the “it really hasn’t been all that long” vibe. Can I kick your ass now? He also told me that he said the same thing to a woman he works with. At first he made me feel bad, guilty almost, that we were trying so hard. Like we really were doing something wrong. Then I decided to stick up for myself and educate him, politely of course. I told him that basically it was the worst thing he could say to someone going through infertility. No, I don’t think we’re trying too hard. And don’t you think I’ve tried the relaxing thing? And that basically when he’s telling me that he’s saying that it’s MY fault, all because I’m not relaxed enough and I want it too much. Sure, stress can delay ovulation, and if people are only trying around CD14 they might have troubles. But at this point, timing is not our issue. We KNOW when I’m ovulating. Stress isn’t messing it up. Then he decides to tell me that really I should try some all natural path – he could help me with that and make sure that I’m taking all the right vitamins and minerals. Thanks, but I’ll take what my doctor tells me to take. I know that there are benefits to some of it, but he sounds like such a quack when he’s talking about it, and it pissed me off.
In other weekend news, I had my u/s and b/w yesterday and we started the Lepori last night. We’ll be adding progesterone in the 2ww this cycle. I go back on Friday for another scan. Oh, and we had my FSH tested – it came back at 5. Anything under 10 is good, so at least something is going ok.
I’ve been on such a rollercoaster all weekend. I was doing fine on Friday morning, then went a bit hysterical while talking to Kim. Got back in control, and had a massage on Friday night – which was wonderful, but I cried during it. Saturday I was mad at everyone. Yesterday I was fine until Jason gave me my shot and then was upset for a few hours. I’m scared to death that none of this is going to work. Sure, Kim is optimistic. She’s been optimistic for the last year though. She was convinced Clomid would work. My mom and Jason’s mom just know it will happen. Thanks, but where is this all knowing power coming from? I appreciate the support and hope that people have, it’s just hard to believe it myself.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Fan.freakin.tastic.
So again, not pregnant. My temp dropped yesterday and I started spotting. It went down even more this morning, and more spotting. Now I’m just waiting until AF actually arrives. I’m hoping to go ahead and get the Lepori ordered today though so that it will be here in time for next cycle. If I do actually start today then I think I might have to go in on Sunday for u/s and b/w.
Isn’t this early you ask? Yes, yes it is. My luteal phase was always shorter on the injectables (11 days) but if I fully start today it will only be 9 days long. I think if that’s the case I’ll have to take progesterone after ovulation. Oh goody, some more fun side effects.
So there you go. I’m waiting for Kim to call me back now.
I’m handling it ok I guess. I pretty much knew yesterday so did my crying then. Now I feel more numb to it all. That and I’m angry/pissed off.
Isn’t this early you ask? Yes, yes it is. My luteal phase was always shorter on the injectables (11 days) but if I fully start today it will only be 9 days long. I think if that’s the case I’ll have to take progesterone after ovulation. Oh goody, some more fun side effects.
So there you go. I’m waiting for Kim to call me back now.
I’m handling it ok I guess. I pretty much knew yesterday so did my crying then. Now I feel more numb to it all. That and I’m angry/pissed off.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
8dpiui
Over halfway there - and the nerves have kicked in. I didn't sleep well, and I can't hardly sit still. Deep down I feel like I'm not pregnant, but it's too early to really know, so there is always that little bit of hope that keeps me anxious. I started temping again a few days ago, so I stare at those trying to figure out if they mean something. Probably not, especially since I can't decide if I should use the temps from 4:30am the past two mornings, or do the temp adjustor to see what they likely would have been at the normal 5:30 time. Do the twinge/crampy feelings mean anything, or are they the same that I get every month sometime in the week before AF? My boobs have stopped hurting as much which makes me sad. (They were SO sore starting the day after the trigger shot but are dying down now.) How am I going to handle it if I'm not pregnant this month? I try to prepare myself for it and not expect any great news, but it still sucks when you find out you were right. What will I do about ordering the meds if I'm not pregnant? I only have enough for two days worth leftover - which means I'd need to get them by CD5. IF AF arrives in the morning and IF I get them ordered right then, I should have time in time. What if I start over the weekend though? (The other two injectable cycles were shorter - with only 11 day LP, so it's possible that I'll start this weekend.) Should I call Kim on Friday and have her call the prescription in, so that I can order them right when I need to? Does the place even ship things out over the weekend? I know they deliver 7 days/week, but what about processing/shipping?
Those are just some of the thoughts that kept me up last night. There is also the happier flip side - how will it feel if I AM pregnant? How will we tell people? When will we tell people? What if I get a BFP, only to find out that my beta doesn't double and it's not going to last?
Oh, that reminds me - I can't remember if I told people what will happen if I ever do get a BFP. I'll go down that day for bloodwork to get my beta hcg level. There are certain ranges that they want that to be in, but the biggest thing is that it should double roughly every 2 days (although I've read 72 hours in some places.) So I'll go down a few days later for a second beta, and then I'm not sure about a third or not. Then about 6 weeks I'll have an u/s with Dr. Shepard to see how things are going. If they're happy, then they'll release me to my OB for the rest of the pregnancy.
Those are just some of the thoughts that kept me up last night. There is also the happier flip side - how will it feel if I AM pregnant? How will we tell people? When will we tell people? What if I get a BFP, only to find out that my beta doesn't double and it's not going to last?
Oh, that reminds me - I can't remember if I told people what will happen if I ever do get a BFP. I'll go down that day for bloodwork to get my beta hcg level. There are certain ranges that they want that to be in, but the biggest thing is that it should double roughly every 2 days (although I've read 72 hours in some places.) So I'll go down a few days later for a second beta, and then I'm not sure about a third or not. Then about 6 weeks I'll have an u/s with Dr. Shepard to see how things are going. If they're happy, then they'll release me to my OB for the rest of the pregnancy.
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